Tell me what to feel.

Tell me what to do.

I’m sick and tired of trying.

Resisting the temptation. I could… but i shouldn’t.

So easy to just give in… like i did, and regretted. 

But maybe this time i won’t? 

Resisting… So hard.

2 more years.

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Especially me.

i wish i could live up to this.

how i wish i was that strong. But no…

How is it possible in a world that asks for nothing less than perfection.

had that, and its gone.

 

 

-shz

its times when i’m alone, that the loneliness eases up. when you don’t know you’re alone, you can’t feel loneliness.

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when there’s no downs, there’s no ups.

it doesn’t just work that way…

What if?

Even if it really seems as though it will never stop.

Nope. And more too.

Don’t you know, that kind of loneliness, is a lot worse?

 

-shz

no idea…

 

i’m so tired. don’t know what to do. and its all over just a stupid thing. i guess that’s it le ba… 

i don’t want to care about anything anymore. just gonna focus on my grades and just graduate and get it over and done with i guess. if she can do it, so can i (lol not really). but i still remb someone telling me a few years ago, when i did something stupid and asked if we were still friends… (i don’t recall exactly what she said… but its along the lines of  – friendship is not worth breaking over a few small things…) Apparently when they said friends in secondary school are the ones you should really really treasure and hold on to, its true. I’m not saying the ones i have right now aren’t. But people change, and as they grow, they become more dramatic, less tolerant, less understanding. You would think that as we grow older, learn more, we understand more, tolerate more. But sometimes, that isn’t the case. We find our limits somewhere along our younger days, and somehow, they shrink along the way. I’m not saying its true for everyone. I’m just thinking about what happened now.

So did mine, i guess. You know, i thought i became better, went back to my old ‘happy-go-lucky’ days. Apparently not. I cared too much to go back. To be truly happy, you musn’t care too much. But when you lose things, you start to panic, and want to grab hold of whatever you have now before its gone too. When you start to lose people, you grow insecure, afraid, and if you’re anything like me, you break down. It doesn’t look that way, because you’ve never seen me talking about it. If you did, you’ll see that i still haven’t gotten over it. I can’t even talk about anything related to it. It’s just as if the scab over the wound is so thin… Maybe i’m just weak, but i needed to let this out. I hate dramas, but it seems as though i’m the one creating them. I hate feeling insecure, but it seems as though i can’t shake it off. Sometimes i just want to build a wormhole and go back 5 years ago, where i still took things for granted.

 

They say you only realise what you have when you lose them. As another saying goes, you know what you have, you just don’t expect to lose them. It still seems as if its just yesterday. I’m still taking things for granted. I don’t seem to learn, do i?

I don’t know how many times have i harped on this issue. I never seem to move away from it. I don’t know why. I know i have to move on. But is so hard. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to move on for. What am i moving on for? To work and earn more money? For what? To spend on my family? Its not like they don’t earn their own keep. For myself? What for? What do i wish for so desperately? So what if i work hard and earn lots of money? So what if i get a good job? So what if i become someone useful to society? Its just a cycle.

I’m sorry for posting such emotional stuff. Its just that i’m not the kind of person that accepts “imperfections” in a way, i guess. I fall hard, very very hard. I’m not good with emotions, human feelings (makes me sound like an alien). But i keep trying. I don’t know who i am, what i can do, why i care. But i do know that life moves on, even if you don’t.

 

I said it so many times, but every time i say it , it becomes less convincing. I’m going to say it anyway : Its not over till its over.

Another quote says : If its not a happy ending, its not the end yet.

 

-shz