at this very moment in time I wish I was dead, or at the very least, have the courage to end mine. But as I’m not interesting in dying from a blood loss, I can only pray for the former.

Fake.

Sometimes I feel as though we’re a family of fakes, trying to impress the world, while deep down inside.. We don’t really care, do we? We act as though we do. Do we? I wonder sometimes.

Perhaps it’s just me. I don’t care. Do I? Why is it that everything I do is somehow wrong? Maybe I’m just in this depressed mood right now. All I know is, when I grow up, I don’t want to stay in my house. It’s not a home it’s a house.

How many siblings do I legitimately have? Probably just my sis. Honestly speaking, my bros are like non existent, save for the occasional times when I see my niece. See? I’m a fake too. I don’t care. But I act like I do. I mean, I probably have to. Well maybe two. My sister in law is pretty nice. But my bros? Nah. I see my friends more often than I see them. And I am sure that we can probably live without interacting with one another if I was less of a burden. I can probably just live on my own once I can support myself.

Maybe it’s just me right now in this depressing mood. But it’s tiring. Do you know? I’m worrying about uni, worrying about my expenses and my income. Like seriously. I’m reminded like every day to find a job that I can work through uni. Like every day that I’m unemployed. And I’m reminded every day to save save save by someone who doesn’t even seem to do so. And then I’m living with a temperamental woman who cannot accept the truth or criticism. Whatever I do that is not in her way is WRONG. I’m in a relationship that involves a guy in NS and I’m worried that once uni starts perhaps we will never have time for one another. And I keep reading everywhere that relationships hardly last through NS. Maybe it’s true. Maybe it’s not. I try. But it’s so tiring. I hate the feeling of forever missing him and he’s busy and he’s probably feeling worse than me and there’s nothing I can do. I try. I try. But it doesn’t help the feelings that I have. I feel like I’m being too clingy and too insecure. I’m tired. Maybe just for now, I’m so tired. Maybe I’m taking things for granted, perhaps I really am.

I’m trying not to think of death. It seems like such a sweet relief. I don’t even know what to do. I don’t know what to do to survive through university. I have an uncertain future because guess what my degree is supposed to be for me to wash test tubes or be a teacher. I DONT want to teach. I CANT teach and yes I admire teachers and their ability to be so patient. But I’m just not that good. I want to loan a financial aid but guess what no one wants to be my guarantor. I mean. I know they don’t want to. I understand. I probably don’t want to either. But it’s stressful on me. It makes me feel like an unwanted burden, only taken on because people don’t have a choice. It’s not nice to feel unwanted. It feels like that my whole life. As if the only person that wanted me was really my dad. Everyone else didn’t. They only took me in because their conscience wouldn’t accept anything otherwise. It might not be true, but it feels that way. Perhaps I am thinking too much. Perhaps I really am. But I’m really tired. I gave up on suicide. But now, at this moment, perhaps what I’m praying for is to have something happen to me, of a natural cause, so that I can end all of this at once.

-shz
Perhaps, as I’ve read somewhere, I’m balancing on a bridge right now, and all I wish for, is for a strong gust of wind to bring me into the sea, where I can find peace. I know if he reads this he wouldn’t be happy, but I’m tired. And I really am.

-Tumblr Quotes-

nods.

“Good people are like candles; they burn themselves up to give others light”

—	Turkish Proverb  (via thelittlephilosopher)

but i still like to run…

 

-shz

no mood..no mood.. sigh. every thing i do feels.. like i’m at the edge of a cliff, and about to fall off anytime…

Monster

“If I told you what I was,
Would you turn your back on me?
And if I seem dangerous,
Would you be scared?
I get the feeling just because
Everything I touch isn’t dark enough
That this problem lies in me

I’m only a man with a candle to guide me,
I’m taking a stand to escape what’s inside me.
A monster, a monster,
I’ve turned into a monster,
A monster, a monster,
And it keeps getting stronger.”

-shz

-Tumblr Quotes-

pretty long overdue~

i wish…

nope, you can’t promise that.

and sometimes the heart longs… for something the mind knows to not ask for.

funny how you always only appreciate things after they’re gone. Is that the only way i will ever learn?

i’m tired of being afraid… i’m tired. so *bleeping* tired. Oh well. *retreats into a new blog*

hm.. haha. sometimes i wonder if i’m just running away, avoiding… hm

and o look i found the song. ;o

okay. its not my style… lol

the lyrics are good tho haha

and then you just say um thanks.. haha. uhh. SIGH.

i wish. i wish. ah. its so hard. ah. its too bloody hard. 

-shz

retreating.

 

Edit:

A very very sad thing i saw on tumblr the last time round. Since i opened it, i’m just gonna paste it here.. and then… retreat.

“

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the sound I heard when I was 9 and my father slammed the front door so hard behind him I swear to god it shook the whole house. For the next 3 years I watched my mother break her teeth on vodka bottles. I think she stopped breathing when he left. I think part of her died. I think he took her heart with him when he walked out. Her chest is empty, just a shattered mess or cracked ribs and depression pills.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s all the blood in the sink. It’s the night that I spent 12 hours in the emergency room waiting to see if my sister was going to be okay, after the boy she loved, told her he didn’t love her anymore. It’s the crying, and the fluorescent lights, and white sneakers and pale faces and shaky breaths and blood. So much blood.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the time that I had to stay up for two days straight with my best friend while she cried and shrieked and threw up on my bedroom floor because her boyfriend fucked his ex. I swear to god she still has tear streaks stained onto her cheeks. I think when you love someone, it never really goes away.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the six weeks we had a substitute in English because our teacher was getting divorced and couldn’t handle getting out of bed. When she came back she was smiling. But her hands shook so hard when she held her coffee, you could see that something was broken inside. And sometimes when things break, you can’t fix them. Nothing ever goes back to how it was. I got an A in English that year. I think her head was always spinning too hard to read any essays.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s that I do.

”

— It’s not that I don’t love you

i take no credit for this. found this on tumblr. 

Moodiness…

Wonder what’s wrong with me sometimes… What is wrong with me?
Just what the hell is wrong with me?????????????

Hais. I honestly don’t know what’s going on. My brain is driving me nuts. Nuts nuts nuts.

But let’s not talk about that okay? Let’s talk about my ‘normal’ life. Haha. Been unemployed since 18/04. Finally found a job (promoter) haha. Will start work next week. Almost one month of unemployment HAHA. oops. 🙂
On the bright side I have an acceptance from ntu for my double major : biological science with second major in chemical biology. But NUS is not replying me!!!!! Hais. Wondering if pharmacy will ever take me in. Hais? Hais.

Another happy thing would be!! IM GOING TAIWANN!!! 😀 end may! 🙂 happy happy. Kind of happy. Well, would be happier if I’m not in the “OMG I’m depressed” mood.. Zzz. This sucks. Why am I moody? Well cause I’m an idiot. But let’s not go there first.

A lot has happened lately haha. Bf going in army… stupid washing machine spoilt. Life rotting away playing L4D2. I should probably start studying once I accept my course. Hais. Rot my life away. Wonderful. On a side note, do go watch Kitchen’s Nightmare. It’s rather interesting, save for the numerous bleeping of swear words and vulgarities.

As I’m typing this on my iPhone, have I mentioned how happy (again, happier if I’m not in the down in the dumps mood) i am that WordPress FINALLY(or at least I finally found out) had an app. LOL. Typing using safari is not easy – hence why the long time I have not posted.. Well.. Mostly cause I was lazy but still… I don’t know.

I’m just rambling at this point because I’m moody and I’m trying to distract myself from the moodiness. Long story short I’m an idiot and a failure. This sucks. Zzz. This so bloody hell sucks. Zzz. Oh hais.

On another brighter note : NEW PKMN GAME OUT IN NOV ! Revamp of ruby and sapphire!!! :DD *happy*

Oh well. I’m moody cause my bf’s phone ran out of batt… That’s kinda sad. Hais. I’m like flooding his phone every few hours lols. >.< meh. Wondering how he is. I feel stupid you know… It's like before he went army I was lazy to go out with him. Then now he's in army and I'm missing him. This is dumb. So dumb. Ugh. And I don't even know what I should do because meh he's gonna have so little time but so much to do… And idk what to do either… Hais. Spend time with him? Or let him like rest and be with his family and play his games and stuff. Ah. I don't know. This is too complicated for my rotting brain…

I'm going to just go off and like rot in one corner or something.. Until my new job that is. Promoter eh.. Hm. Hais???

-shz
I wish.. I wish.. That somehow you could read minds.. Cause I can’t even figure out my mind… And I wish either that, or I have the courage and strength to pull through. Hais.