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“I make all these excuses

On why I’m not sleeping:

-It’s too hot.

-It’s too cold.

-I’m not comfortable.

Anything other than the truth

Other than telling people

That I have so much on my mind,

It makes me want to burst into tears.

That my thoughts are hurting me more and more mentally.

That sleep is too good for me.

I can’t tell people that.

So I have to come up with a little lie.

”

—	AAMB, “Sleepless Nights”

“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.”

—

Lao Tzu

“Like a shadow,
I am and I am not.”

—

Rumi

-shz

People lash out when they’re hurt. But why? I suppose its one way to vent, another way to feel better. But it feels worse when people don’t lash back. I’ve learnt new things from talking to people. 1. Never fight anger with anger. and 2. Do your best, what you’re supposed to, and what comes after, is just something you’ll have to accept. I suppose this is appropriate: When people lash out at you, its not about you. Its about them. The things most people do are to get attention for themselves. In one way or another. And i suppose now i know. Doesn’t make stuff easier. But i guess a revelation is still a revelation…

The ditch i dug myself into && – Tumblr Quotes-

If you haven’t been able to tell from the title, then i’ll tell you. This post is going to be bitchy and depressing. I’ve been told i can make someone happy depressed. Not sure if that’s a good thing or bad. Maybe that’s why we haven’t been talking much i guess.Somehow the thought of that makes me want to cry. Sigh. Back to being that cheerful retarded creature that i’ve always been to try to make people a bit happier and likely to stay friends with me. But how depressing and pathetic that is. I haven’t felt like this in months. Maybe it’s all coming back. I guess happy thoughts and feelings don’t last. Its days like these that makes me feel like i should go see a counselor. But what’s the point? My problems are trivial, even i can see it. I can already anticipate what will be told to me. If i don’t change, or am unwilling to change, then nothing can help me. Then let me rot in this depressing hell… I guess.

I’ve been worried about things. I think i’m too stressed haha. There comes a point in my life that i realise i may be biting off more than i can chew. 3 camps: 2 planning committee and one senior. 1 event that will take place next year that i have to rush the programmes out asap… Add on to the fact that there’s sort of politics everywhere… I’m tired, to say the least. Then there’s the problem of finding a professor and i’m so sian about it that i don’t want to do anything cause theres still stuff to do for LSCamp and its due on Sunday. *draws circle in a corner.

Plus i bought games and i really want to play. But i realise rotting by playing games just makes me even more depressed. Sigh. Anyway, i digress. I’m wondering if i should see a doc… But like i don’t really want to. But i’m worried. Sigh. And i quarreled with my mom… So that’s one more thing to add on my stress list. Though i suppose it’s my fault. But she was being too clingy and i don’t like it. Sigh. I’m just tired.

“I’m so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything.”

—	Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Sometimes i feel like i’m in that predicament.

“The truth is, I pretend to be a cynic, but I am really a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something she may never get.”

—	Joanna Hoffman

Just like how i like to pretend that i didn’t want it in the first place, simply because i’m afraid that i’m inadequate. Society hasn’t helped with that either. 

———-

Have i ever mentioned about my revelations about how i’ve sort of given up on trying to maintaining all my relationships? Not really giving up. But i think people who are worth keeping in contact with will be kept in contact with one way or another. We may not talk in months but we will one day and it’ll be like we never stopped at all. Of course it can’t be like in a few years but like maybe weeks and all. We get busy periods in our lives and its okay… As long as we go back to talking after that. I think maybe another reason might be i’ve given up on trying. Then again i don’t know. Right now my mood is so messed up i don’t even know what to do…

—————–

then i’ve failed so many times

“The quieter you become, the more you can hear.”

—

Ram Dass

Maybe that is why i’m deaf.

“So if people ever look down upon you for crying for fictional characters, you should give them a gentle, pitying look and feel bad for them. If they’ve never cried for a fictional character, then they’ve never loved one (and what a joy that is). If they’ve never cried at a book, a movie, a piece of music, then they’ve missed one of the great pleasures life has to offer. Just because fiction does not contain things that are real doesn’t mean it doesn’t contain truth, and we find it through the alchemy of our tears.”

—	Cassandra Clare

Is that good or bad: Feeling more than others. 

“You can’t get much done in life if you only work on days when you feel good.”

—	Jerry West

Then i won’t ever succeed.

Perhaps i should learn to accept this. Instead of pitying myself and going something like : But what if my best just isn’t enough…

In moods like this i always wonder: Is this true? I asked this since Sec 3 or 4? So… Is this true? Maybe i guess. But without the downs, there are no ups.

“At some point you have to find closure. At some point, you have to make yourself believing that your body is a home and not a battleground.”

—	heroffbeatinfinity

“i knew
we were ashes
before there was ever
a flame”

—	peachdewberry

“We grew into the people we swore we’d never be.”

—

never

How cruel. How ironic.

I wan macaroons 😦

-shz

I’m sick and tired, of being sick and tired. (L4D2 quote by Francis)

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“You are personally responsible for becoming more ethical than the society you grew up in.”

—	Eliezer Yudkowsky

“As I’ve worked to dismantle my own internalized racism and the ways that I privilege whiteness, I’ve learned to resist being ‘othered’ through the use of language. So when someone says, ‘Oh, they did that to you because you’re black,’ I quickly correct them with, ‘No, they did that because they are bigots.’ This often shocks people. I can see the panic in their eyes. Sometimes, their eyes dart about. If there are lot of people, they may get quiet.
Sometimes, someone will try to lessen the blow of my words with some clever deflection. I then come back with, ‘No. They are bigots.’ I name the problem. Trayvon and Michael’s blackness wasn’t the problem. The problem was the negative perceptions of that blackness and what spaces that blackness was ‘allowed’ to occupy. These perceptions are supported, funded, and reinforced by institutionalized racism. Matthew Shepard wasn’t murdered because he was gay. Sakia Gunn wasn’t murdered because she was a lesbian. Matthew and Sakia were murdered by people who made a choice to exercise their bigotry within a culture that deemed Matthew and Sakia ‘others.’”

—	Toni Bell, “I’m Not Your Token” via The Body Is Not an Apology

“It is very sad to me that some people are so intent on leaving their mark on the world that they don’t care if that mark is a scar.”

—	John Green

SO CUTE

“You make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you.”

—	Maxwell Maltz

I need to learn this

FOLLOW

The drawback of growing up. When you actually start to care about what people say.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

—	Mark Twain

“We cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever. We must stand up and move on to the next action.”

—	Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

Do something your future self will thank you for.

In the grown up world, this is the thing i fear the most. That your ‘friends’ aren’t your friends. And the only one you’re sure of is your enemies.

On a totally random side note… python is difficult -_-

-shz

Reflections

One year has passed since i was last in university. Its been a long while, and i feel like i’m a different person than i was 1 year ago. Feels like i’ve grown a bit more, known a bit more, learnt a bit more. Yesterday i went for this CIP event, and for the first time in my life i was paired solely with an elderly. For the first time in… 19 years of my life? I was made to be paired to an elderly, and expected to know how to communicate with her and to keep her company and safe. Needless to say it was, initially, the most awkward moment of my life. How do you talk to an elderly, who tells you she is single and has no siblings nor parents alive, and whom have (sort of) nothing to ask about? I don’t know if i should ask about what she does, for what if she doesn’t do anything? I didn’t dare to ask about her family because, well, she appears to have none left? I didn’t dare to ask about her past, for what if it was a painful past?

She did tell me all of those in the end though, and as we sat in the auditorium while she spoke, i felt myself tearing up so many times, while she told me of the times when she was younger, how she was told to stop studying because ‘girls shouldn’t study so much, and your mother is working so hard already’, and how she went to be a tailor instead of studying for law which she said she had the chance to. How different would her life be? She told me of how her mother was kind, and insightful, and it reminded me of mine. How my mom would wait for me to get home, no matter how late. How she would always offer to buy me food when i called back after working or studying. How she got so worried once when i was crying cause i read a sad story and she was like ‘are you okay?!!?!’ (hence why i hide most of my crying from her.)

Towards the end of the CIP she warmed up to me and we ended up talking more. I would say it was a changing experience for me. I hope i do see the aunty again. It made me appreciate my family more because i have one, and my circumstances because i actually get a chance in studying what i want to, and perhaps doing a job that i want to (hopefully) in the future.

————————–

The past month has also been filled with outings with friends and a short job at expo. I would say that i would never ever want to work for that company again because it is just… well. Terrible.

I can’t even begin to say how, but all i know is at least from there, i learnt that i can actually make friends spontaneously. Friends of convenience, as they are called. But friends nonetheless. And i learnt that the world is small, because i met two of my friends there. By chance. Wow?

And i rekindled my love of reading again, and hopefully my computer won’t ruin it for me. HAHA.

Besides the job, there were the meet-ups. Finally got to meet my awesome and beloved friends after so long! It was nice meeting everyone and they’ve really changed over the past year too. Poly people are stepping into the working world, and with that, comes a moment of panic and the realisation that… I don’t know what i really want in the future. I know people keep telling me that ‘Hey you’re only year 1! There’s still time.” But i can’t help but feel the fear that it may be too late. That the route i’ve chosen might not go well, and if then… What happens?

I planned for a life of research. But what if, just what if, i’m not suited for it, or if i realise that its not for me? Who am i then? What do i do then? It isn’t too early for me to think about it, but i feel like i can’t do anything about it because my real trial at research only comes next semester. And for now, i guess, its just… Pointless to wonder.

——————————————

My holidays are rather packed too. Camps and planning. I joined biobiz in the hopes of planning a wonderful networking event, and hopefully being able to network too. My vision of the biomedical industry is fuzzy and blur, but i hope the fog clears up soon. I also have to plan for camps so that’s one part as well. I learnt that sometimes people just…. Suck. And there’s nothing you can do about it. What i can though, is to prevent myself from taking up too much things and ending up with too many things to do and too little time, and then i’ll end up like one of those who suck.

———————————

And one last point. I feel like i’ve jumped from topic to topic, trying to summarise what i’ve done and learnt. But then again i always feel like i’m incoherent so… One last thing i’ve learnt, is how i’m trying so hard to lie to myself. But the lie is slowly turning into a truth, for me at least. To me, i have been telling everyone that grades don’t matter. I believe that’s what people say too. But in my head, it matters. A lot. That’s why i’m so bothered about my B grade and my B+ grade even when i’m repeatedly told that B+ is a good grade. It matters even tho without SU i still have a CAP of 4.59. Do you know how ridiculous it is to feel sad when you drop from a cap of 5 to 4.59? It is ridiculous. So why do i feel that way? Why do i bother? Its still first class (subject to honors project grade). But i can’t help it. And yes i am SU-ing my B and B+. I hope i don’t regret it.

Nonetheless, i’m slowly learning that life isn’t about grades. I realise perhaps why i emphasize on it is because i like the modules. I really honestly didn’t care when i scored a B for biodiversity. It hurts my CAP and yes that’s why i’m sad but i don’t care about the subject. I want to get an A in subjects that i like. Because i feel like i’m letting myself down if i don’t. How can i want to do research in it and not do well for it? I know its just me. But it still matters to me. But less so now. I feel like the people in my life should matter more. They matter to me, and i should start showing it. But grades are just a number on a piece of paper, and ultimately, after that, it doesn’t matter.

And i’m getting incoherent again. NONETHELESS. I just want to say…  Read books, meet friends, have time to yourself, and think. Because thinking is important, and you don’t learn until you think.

-shz

I’m not a saint, never will be, and never want to be. I like times like these when i realise i’ve grown, and i feel proud of growing. Even if its a small step, one at a time. I’ll get to where i want to. Hopefully. 

Leaving with a quote: