The ditch i dug myself into && – Tumblr Quotes-

If you haven’t been able to tell from the title, then i’ll tell you. This post is going to be bitchy and depressing. I’ve been told i can make someone happy depressed. Not sure if that’s a good thing or bad. Maybe that’s why we haven’t been talking much i guess.Somehow the thought of that makes me want to cry. Sigh. Back to being that cheerful retarded creature that i’ve always been to try to make people a bit happier and likely to stay friends with me. But how depressing and pathetic that is. I haven’t felt like this in months. Maybe it’s all coming back. I guess happy thoughts and feelings don’t last. Its days like these that makes me feel like i should go see a counselor. But what’s the point? My problems are trivial, even i can see it. I can already anticipate what will be told to me. If i don’t change, or am unwilling to change, then nothing can help me. Then let me rot in this depressing hell… I guess.

I’ve been worried about things. I think i’m too stressed haha. There comes a point in my life that i realise i may be biting off more than i can chew. 3 camps: 2 planning committee and one senior. 1 event that will take place next year that i have to rush the programmes out asap… Add on to the fact that there’s sort of politics everywhere… I’m tired, to say the least. Then there’s the problem of finding a professor and i’m so sian about it that i don’t want to do anything cause theres still stuff to do for LSCamp and its due on Sunday. *draws circle in a corner.

Plus i bought games and i really want to play. But i realise rotting by playing games just makes me even more depressed. Sigh. Anyway, i digress. I’m wondering if i should see a doc… But like i don’t really want to. But i’m worried. Sigh. And i quarreled with my mom… So that’s one more thing to add on my stress list. Though i suppose it’s my fault. But she was being too clingy and i don’t like it. Sigh. I’m just tired.

“I’m so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything.”

—	Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Sometimes i feel like i’m in that predicament.

“The truth is, I pretend to be a cynic, but I am really a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something she may never get.”

—	Joanna Hoffman

Just like how i like to pretend that i didn’t want it in the first place, simply because i’m afraid that i’m inadequate. Society hasn’t helped with that either. 

———-

Have i ever mentioned about my revelations about how i’ve sort of given up on trying to maintaining all my relationships? Not really giving up. But i think people who are worth keeping in contact with will be kept in contact with one way or another. We may not talk in months but we will one day and it’ll be like we never stopped at all. Of course it can’t be like in a few years but like maybe weeks and all. We get busy periods in our lives and its okay… As long as we go back to talking after that. I think maybe another reason might be i’ve given up on trying. Then again i don’t know. Right now my mood is so messed up i don’t even know what to do…

—————–

then i’ve failed so many times

“The quieter you become, the more you can hear.”

—

Ram Dass

Maybe that is why i’m deaf.

“So if people ever look down upon you for crying for fictional characters, you should give them a gentle, pitying look and feel bad for them. If they’ve never cried for a fictional character, then they’ve never loved one (and what a joy that is). If they’ve never cried at a book, a movie, a piece of music, then they’ve missed one of the great pleasures life has to offer. Just because fiction does not contain things that are real doesn’t mean it doesn’t contain truth, and we find it through the alchemy of our tears.”

—	Cassandra Clare

Is that good or bad: Feeling more than others. 

“You can’t get much done in life if you only work on days when you feel good.”

—	Jerry West

Then i won’t ever succeed.

Perhaps i should learn to accept this. Instead of pitying myself and going something like : But what if my best just isn’t enough…

In moods like this i always wonder: Is this true? I asked this since Sec 3 or 4? So… Is this true? Maybe i guess. But without the downs, there are no ups.

“At some point you have to find closure. At some point, you have to make yourself believing that your body is a home and not a battleground.”

—	heroffbeatinfinity

“i knew
we were ashes
before there was ever
a flame”

—	peachdewberry

“We grew into the people we swore we’d never be.”

—

never

How cruel. How ironic.

I wan macaroons 😦

-shz

I’m sick and tired, of being sick and tired. (L4D2 quote by Francis)