-tumblr quotes- & a, pardon me for my language, fucked up world.

“nothing matters. everything is temporary. remember this and spare yourself the pain.”

—	Thomas B. Guyton

God. Never felt so irritated and pissed off in a long while. Long, long while. Got so pissed i was literally shaking. Ah. Its been a long time. I think its just her. I seriously think its just her. Fuck. Ugh. Forever so critical and.. act until she’s god-like. Pardon me for all the hurtful things here i spew because well i’m fucking pissed. Yay.

So fucking glad i’m not going to go to lectures with her anymore. Well, for most of them at least. Seem to have too many lesson stuff in common to not meet. Unfortunately. Maybe i’m just a fucking shitty friend. Well guess what… maybe you just don’t get to see the better side of me. So high up in your pedestal. I think we’re just people from two different galaxies. And you have a way lower tolerance level than most people. -_- I guess the first time i tried to make friends with you should have gave me a hint. What a pity i was blind then.

Well maybe i should grow up too. Maybe then i won’t be blogging about this thing here. Oh well. What to do. Don’t have many i pour my heart out to. Except my sis. But she’s around at the moment so. Meh.

Anyways, ranting aside. I feel slightly better. Except i really don’t want to talk to her anymore. Meh. Wanted to type more but eh… Why bother. I have to go read protocols 😦 which i really don’t want to but i have to…

Sadly i’ve been learning this and honestly if i tried harder i might just stab myself.

“Every hand I’m offered looks like it couldn’t hold the weight of me.”

—	hereswhereifloat

“She stays sane this way. She hides from the demons she creates and gives in into the heaven she had been offered.”

—	cloudsandchips

“Sometimes invisible tears indicate the most pain.”

—	tabmiller2566

“Some words resemble shattered glass: We prefer to swallow them and cut ourselves, instead of throwing them and hurt someone.”

—

poetrysis

Never more apt than now.

HAHA

HAHA.

-shz

There were days where i would say perhaps i had nothing to offer. But i guess those days are gone. Because once you do more things, you realise you do have things to offer, just whether you want to or not. The gesture of offering itself, is something that only you, and only you can give. 

And once again 21 is approaching. Perhaps my time is up. Or is it? I don’t know. Haven’t made a decision. Not sure if i’ll ever make one. But i do get to be overseas before i turn 21. If i get in that is. Hm. Decisions decisions. I suck at making them.

Wanted to post something emo-ish. But this song is always nice so… Meh. What have i turned into. -_-

-Tumblr Quotes- && Song. Somewhat of a mid mid life crisis.

If you could see me now
Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?

“I can’t be around people, but I can’t handle being by myself, so I write just to feel like I have somebody to talk to but paper can’t love you back and your own words can’t mend your broken heart.”

—	inconsequentialchatter

I feel like i’m at this stage where i don’t know what i’m doing, and i don’t know what i’m living for. And now it feels like i’m having these episodes for a bit too many times. Sigh. But i don’t know what to do. How do i stop myself from feeling what i do? When i see people talking, and i wish i could join in, but i just can’t find it in myself to do so. When people ask me to come along, but there’s just too many of them, and i’m afraid. So i decline. Even though i really want to. I feel so afraid of being around people with their masks. They’re so scary. The way they can act so friendly to one person and in another, they just talk bad about them. I know i’m guilty of it too, but it sickens me. Does it not sicken them? Maybe not. Maybe its the way the adult world works. But i’m not ready for that. But i don’t have a choice, do i?

I wish i could. But i’m too.. chicken to do so.

“Music makes things hurt less.”

—	Tyler Joseph (via theswaggiegatsby)

I wonder what i should do. I should take a step back right? Try to figure out what to do. Who i am. It feels as if i don’t know who i am. Who am i? Feels like i act according to what people want. And it feels so… fake. but i don’t know how to not be… It feels so… ingrained. Feels… Hm.

I don’t know. All i want to do is to do something stupid. To feel the adrenaline. But i’m too rational for it. How sickening. But i want to… But will i ever?

“I like the scars because I like the stories. Bravery, stupidity, pain—none of them come free.”

—	Jessica Martinez (via splitterherzen)

If you don’t do something stupid, you don’t have things to talk about. Is it?

Hm.?

“I want my soul to feel alive even when I don’t.”

—	set a fire in me, Lord. (via runtohisarms)

drink and get drunk? Hm?

“Someday, someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you’ve never seen, they’ll look at you like you’re everything they’ve been looking for their entire lives. Wait for it.”

—	This is everything (via bl-ossomed)

Hm?

“People are like the ocean – unpredictable. You can’t trust the ocean’s waters, for they change. All you see is a calm horizon, but once you reach it – oh, if you knew what a wild storm was raging there. Same goes for people – you think you know them but, trust me, you never do.”

—	fleura-belle

I read this article about taking things slow. Maybe i should. I’ve been rushing my whole life. Rush rush rush… Does it mean anything? Other than a few lines on my portfolio. That’s just sad.. Sigh. I should slow down… Yeah… i should…

-shz

i need to talk. i need to.. vent. if i don’t.. i might just… simmer away…

-Tumblr Quotes-

“They call it the game of life, but I’m damn tired of playing by the rules.”

—	forgottencurrents

“We don’t speak anymore
But I hope you’re doing well”

—	A short poem / lyrics (via usedbleach)

Pretty.

feels like i was more carefree when i was younger. It feels ironic because when i was younger i had barely any friends, but i was happy. I don’t ever recall feeling this sense of… loneliness. As if its a sin, something that is wrong. It isn’t. But try telling my brain that.

“You don’t need someone to complete you, you only need someone to accept you completely.”

—	Lauryn Hill (via lazypacific)

“We’re in a narcissistic generation. People who say “I love you” don’t mean “I love your soul,” but mean “I love the attention you give me.””

—	Expherience (via kushandwizdom)

It had some images before that but i was lazy to put everything. This sums it up pretty well enough i feel.

I don’t feel the need to, anymore.

“It was one of those days where you felt six feet deep in bills you couldn’t pay and promises you couldn’t keep.”

—	prophetoverprofit

“The cruelest words about me come from my own mouth.”

—	Someone I love. (via the-fault-in-our-scars)

“I’m not used to being loved. I wouldn’t know what to do.”

—	F. Scott Fitzgerald, More Than Just A House  (via theoktonia)

“Don’t make lasting decisions with fleeting emotions.”

—	Anne Camit

lopmon:

no offense but when will i die

“Depression is a peculiar thing. You can’t force sadness away, but you can train to be numb from it.”

—	fishingforfixes

“You care and it’s all over the place.”

—	Anne Sexton, A Self-Portrait In Letters

Easier said than done

“…But you people do not understand me, and I am afraid you never will.”

—	Vincent van Gogh, “Letter to Theo van Gogh,” December, 17 1883

Wish it was that easy.

“If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all.”

—	Anna Quindlen

This is cool :O

-shz

I ever wondered why i did this tumblr quotes thing. Probably cause i was moodless and wanted to emo in my special little quotes corner. It feels rather peaceful, finding things that agreed with your mindset. It makes you feel a little less lonely, even if they were just words on a screen.

Stuck in a rock in a hard place

Probably not mine cause i don’t update mine. 

Am i not what i do? I never know anymore. I feel like such a… hypocrite. Someone trying to step on both sides at the same time. Stuck there, unable to move, because either side i go, i feel like the other side will sink. I’m not saying i feel i’m that important. I’m saying i feel that way. Why? Its a long long story.

But lets move on to what has been making me uncomfortable lately. Quarreled with my mom on Sunday, right before i went for camp day 0. It passed already, kind of. But the scars don’t. So people have been asking why i’m having so many scratches on my leg. I thought it will be hidden by my shorts. Well obviously i didn’t do it far up enough, and so that has been making me kind of awkward. I just brush them off. I didn’t do them for the sympathy. I did them because it was the only thing i could do that would stop me from crying even more. I swear that whenever i do that, i feel terrified, because i feel a rush i never ever could feel from anything else. But lets not go into that. Lets go back into why i’m stuck in a rock in a hard place.

I’m stuck between my mom and my siblings. And i really don’t know which way to go. I know what my siblings are going through, when my mom just daos them and gives a black face, and her attitude is shit. But the worse part is, now i know her side too. Her side on how to her, no one cares, and its exactly how i’m feeling too. Its the feeling of being alone, lonely, and feeling like no one gives a shit whether you die or not. Trust me, i know that somehow, surprisingly, someone will cry if i die. Well at least i hope. But it doesn’t mean it lessens the feeling of alone-ness and all that. And i get that. Especially since she’s alone now, and as compared to her, we are all much more fortunate because we have another person to share our life with. Another person we can be alone with, share cuddles, and stuff. Trust me, that stuff is important. But she doesn’t.

And the thing is, neither side is going to step in, and i have no idea what to do. My mom is still giving her attitude, and my siblings no longer care. They come back, sure. But they don’t really give her the respect that she’s looking for (i’m not going to say deserve because i understand how shitty the feeling is to be scolded by her. I mean. It’s not even something you can swallow because its something harsh and like. Yeah.). And then this just makes her even more pissed off, and her attitude just goes even more downhill. I don’t know what to do?

And i’m so tired. Meh. I just game and do my proposals. Sigh. I don’t even know how to describe what i’m feeling now. Lol. *facepalms.

I have my opinions. Sadly i don’t have the courage to say anything.

“Oh, but when I twisted the knife in your chest, I killed myself too.”

—	jinhwanderer

I think i can feel it. Now. The people who i will keep in contact with and those that i won’t. I guess you can say i don’t try hard enough? But i can only do so much. The more, the harder. Sighs.

Mine is somewhat screwed up. LOL. If my friendship comes in 3 levels.. it’ll be… 1) Normal friends. Like.. Awkward, talking about school stuff… 2) Gossiping because i’m probably a bitch though no you cannot call me a bitch. 3) Talking about life and how emo i can get. HAHA. Or at least that’s how i feel so far? Maybe there’s a level 4? but that’s… i have no idea actually. Oh wells.

“Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking you know someone.”

—

Isa

Home is where… You go to sleep, play games, and ideally, feel loved and all that stuff. Isn’t it sad when you don’t think it contains love anymore? Haha.

20 years later, who knows. I might be dead, psychotic, happy, with children? Ah. Or i could be dead. Lol.

“There’s so much hurt in my heart
And I’m good at hiding it
But not healing it.”

—

un–stable

I wish i was good at hiding, but nah probably i’m not.

I like to hide it. Bury it. Deep..

-shz

I can only hope i’ll be better. Or dead. Either works.