-Jealousy-

I suppose after reading an article on brain development and how nurturing plays a big role in affecting how you process emotions and all, i wonder whether i have under-developed emotion processing faculties. But that’s just a thought. Perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps it’s a sign i should get help. But perhaps i just like to wallow in self-pity. Perhaps, perhaps.

I suppose it’s just jealousy coursing through me lately. Lately i’ve been a little jealous of everything and everyone. For some unknown reason. Maybe i’m just stressed out, and pissed off that i just simply cannot understand certain things taught in class. Or maybe it’s just conformation bias – the thought that i can’t make it, translates into reality. Also the fact that i somehow have too many things to do. Perhaps insufficient ‘me’ time. Or maybe i’m just jealous of my niece. When she cries people actually go to her. I suppose. But that’s not a very nice thing to do, being jealous of a baby. Sigh. But i’ve been irrational. And perhaps i always have been. Perhaps also made inadequate about my weight, my looks, my personality. Somehow i need to be a bit more outgoing, talk a bit more, interact a bit better, be a bit skinnier, be prettier… Somehow it’s not okay to be average. Or maybe once again, it’s just me.

Maybe i’m just too conscious of people’s words and comments. Perhaps i’m not looking in the right direction. Trying to apply for a scholarship is also tough. It feels like i’m so busy, but yet there’s nothing i can put that is relevant to the scholarship provider. Am i doing lot? Maybe not then. Maybe not in the right areas.

And maybe this is why i’m blogging this rant i suppose. I don’t have a bad life. I know i have a better life compared to many others. But perhaps, i shouldn’t have. Perhaps i shouldn’t have been born. 

-shz

 

 

 

 

-Tumblr Quotes-

Lately i’ve been feeling rather… down. Moody. Unmotivated. And tired. A tinge of jealousy. Of everything and everyone. And perhaps a little… moodless. And a little loss of passion towards things. I guess i’m just stressed out, trying to balance things. School and iGEM and family.

I’ve been craving comfort, and hugs. Unfortunately the best thing that i can hug and get comfort from is probably my soft toys. Which is rather sad i suppose. I’m so ready to give up on everything. Sigh. Or maybe just to get attention. I suppose. Insecurity has not left me, sadly.

This is really creepy imo.

Sometimes, when I lie awake at night, I wonder whether I’ve lived at all. Is it the same for everybody? Do some people have a greater talent for living than others or do some people never live, but just exist?

—	Autumn Sonata (1978), Ingmar Bergman (via wnq-movies)

Sounds like me…

You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way.

—	Elizabeth Taylor (via wnq-movies)

Anyone who ever gave you confidence, you owe them a lot.

—	Truman Capote (via fy-perspectives)

Not something i have. But i swear i’m trying. It’s so hard, when you are trying not to make a fool of yourself. Perhaps one day i will learn to not fear that. But in the meantime, i’ll live in my corner of solitude.

What if i never breathe again? I can’t find the will to live, honestly. But i haven’t the intention to kill myself either. I just… can’t be bothered? I’m just waiting for death. I suppose. Its hard. Living with a stone in your heart, weighing you down. Jealousy. And insecurity. Its not easy to change mindsets. It really isn’t.

‘When did you feel the most emptiest?’

‘When I realized how incapable I was at love.’

—	visualizetracy  (via wnq-writers)

 

-shz

I’m… Lost. Again.