Preparation for SEP

I was wondering for awhile if i should make a new blog to blog about my SEP times. But i got a bit lazy so i decided to just make a new category. So i’m counting down to the day when i fly off. I feel rather nervous actually, flying alone. I’ll be lying if i said i wasn’t a tad afraid. I am. I’m very afraid. On one hand i feel excited to be away from home, looking at the world outside of Singapore. I feel happy to once again be staying on my own (if you haven’t, you should try), because i’ve missed the times where i’ve just been in a room, without anyone else. It’s scary at times, yes. But also peaceful, and it’s nice to know the things you put at once place actually stays there. There’s also less drama (because as you can tell, my family is very dramatic. Like seriously), so i’m glad for that. But on the other hand, i’ll really miss my family, my nieces and nephews, even my dramatic over-the-top mother.

I’m also worried because going on SEP is expensive. I’m not kidding about that. Budgetting is a pain. Both in the process of planning and my wallet. I’m also a teeny tad worried about the weather, because it’s going to be cold. And of course i worry about whether or not i’ll fit in, or just be alone for 4 whole months. How could i not? I’m glad i’m going alone though, because that means i’ll be forced to talk and mingle with people, without the option of going back to my friends. Friends are great, but they’re also reasons why i’ll stay in my comfort zone.

I’m also probably going to be travelling on my own. Something new. Something that i hope allows me to understand myself better, my thought processes, and further (hopefully) control my emotions and carry myself better. I’m sad to say i don’t quite like who i am now. I’m out of control emotionally. Emotionally ruled. Not a good thing. I also care too much about what others think, or not think.

I shall stop thinking for now.

 

-shz

Burrow deep, my feelings.

Why?

Jealousy is a green eyed monster. It makes one unreasonable, and unlogical. It makes one see red, and only red. It makes your world smaller, ever narrower, simply because you can’t take in others opinions. Your world becomes smaller also because you push away opinions and truths, or would-be-truths if you accepted them. You fail to take into account other people’s original intent and thought. You burn bridges, and you become lonely. The cycle is a vicious one because it will repeat. It will not stop because as your world narrows, your jealousy rises as it silently reinforces the thought that the world is against you. And as you push away people,  thinking they’re up to no good, your world boundaries becomes smaller and smaller, until one day, there’s nothing left.

You cannot argue with illogical reasons, with emotions. You have the right to feel, to mourn, to be jealous. Yes you do, but to launch them onto someone else is unfair, is unreasonable, and simply not a good thing to do. What you see is only a fraction of their lives. What you believe their intent was is merely your thought. People’s intent aren’t always out to get you. They have their own lives too. Unless you’re someone high profile, then I retract my statement.

Ah.  How I love words. They bring me through current events, letting me process my thoughts, letting my thoughts come out, and comfort me in times like these.

I don’t know why I’m tearing, I just am. Perhaps I feel inferior. Perhaps I feel that I’m never going to be as good as people I see.  I envy them, but I know I’ve got a long way to go.

I could be jealous, I could be. But as I see what it does today, perhaps I’ll be better off on my own, one step at a time. I see my growth, for which I’m proud of. And as I slowly struggle my way through, perhaps one day it’ll be the reason why I’m still hanging on, simply because I’ve hung on before, and it’s paid off.

But I still feel sad. The tears and the cut. The helplessness. I only know to hide. Perhaps I’ll do that. At least for now. For awhile more.

 

Apathetic – Personality or Learned Attitude?

Perhaps heartless is a word too strong. I mean to express thoughts like appearing aloof and apathy… but i suppose yesterday was my first time actually experiencing this moment where i realise its possible to be hurt by loving too much. Its didn’t come from me, but rather, my mom. I guess it never occurred to me how much she loved my dad. Or maybe she was just putting on a show, but at this point i doubt it. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with pain, and i should know that some people cope by staying silent. I suppose yesterday was a moment where i understood another side of my mom, the side which was silently… hurting? I don’t think i can ever understand her fully, nor do i hope do (because it is likely impossible). But i’ll say yesterday was another thing altogether.

I don’t really want to carry it all on my own, nor forget it, and hence why i’m just typing this down. Well, to a certain extent, for some things aren’t, and never will be meant for sharing. All i can say is that, yesterday i realised how she felt. How the aloof-ness towards the kids were to protect herself? To prevent herself from getting close and getting hurt again. I suppose this seems rather drama-ish, but you won’t understand until you’ve been in that moment where someone tells you that, where its silent all round and you’re just there listening. What can you offer? Nothing much. You can’t offer to stay with them forever, nor can you promise to always be there for them. Well you can, to a certain extent, but unless you stay single forever, one day you’ll be away.

But i digress. I suppose for a while i can understand her, her hopes of taking care of a grandchild, only to be dashed… Unfortunately, i understand from (to a skewed extent because it was a secondary source) my siblings point of view, how they wouldn’t want her to take care of their kids.It’s like some vicious cycle, where one doesn’t want to be close and thus act aloof (but deep inside they want the other party to care), resulting in the other party feeling as if the former doesn’t care, and this repels them even more and then this goes on….

I understand her frustrations that stem from being alone in the house 90% of the time (because i’m out for like the whole day), and i think if i were her i would go crazy too. But I don’t know what to offer her, and i myself don’t want to stay in the house either. It’s just a house, not a home. Perhaps that’s a subconscious reason why i keep myself busy eh? I don’t know.

I don’t know what to say when she keeps bringing up the fact that she may just one day just sleep and never wake up, and how ‘great’ that would be (which i assume is said in the heat of the moment), but it isn’t nice to hear. But what can i do? I try to talk to her at night but i’m tired too. And it makes me reluctant to talk to her when she’s so.. selfish. Like if i have to wake up early the next day (and i already told her), she still wants to go on talking despite that (when its like 12am+ and i have to wake at 7am for example). I know she wants to talk but ITS 12AM AND I HAVE BARELY 7 HOURS TO SLEEP. Argh. And the best part is when we’re actually spending some time together she doesn’t talk much. So we eat in silence, occasionally exchanging awkward phrases… … … And then i keep getting emotionally blackmailed on how i’m going to be gone for 4 months, on how i should spend more time with her etc. At this rate i’m just glad to be out of this whole stupid family drama crap. Sigh. What am i to do…

Ah. I give up. As my new catchphrase goes: I give up on life.

 

-shz