Why?

Jealousy is a green eyed monster. It makes one unreasonable, and unlogical. It makes one see red, and only red. It makes your world smaller, ever narrower, simply because you can’t take in others opinions. Your world becomes smaller also because you push away opinions and truths, or would-be-truths if you accepted them. You fail to take into account other people’s original intent and thought. You burn bridges, and you become lonely. The cycle is a vicious one because it will repeat. It will not stop because as your world narrows, your jealousy rises as it silently reinforces the thought that the world is against you. And as you push away people,  thinking they’re up to no good, your world boundaries becomes smaller and smaller, until one day, there’s nothing left.

You cannot argue with illogical reasons, with emotions. You have the right to feel, to mourn, to be jealous. Yes you do, but to launch them onto someone else is unfair, is unreasonable, and simply not a good thing to do. What you see is only a fraction of their lives. What you believe their intent was is merely your thought. People’s intent aren’t always out to get you. They have their own lives too. Unless you’re someone high profile, then I retract my statement.

Ah.  How I love words. They bring me through current events, letting me process my thoughts, letting my thoughts come out, and comfort me in times like these.

I don’t know why I’m tearing, I just am. Perhaps I feel inferior. Perhaps I feel that I’m never going to be as good as people I see.  I envy them, but I know I’ve got a long way to go.

I could be jealous, I could be. But as I see what it does today, perhaps I’ll be better off on my own, one step at a time. I see my growth, for which I’m proud of. And as I slowly struggle my way through, perhaps one day it’ll be the reason why I’m still hanging on, simply because I’ve hung on before, and it’s paid off.

But I still feel sad. The tears and the cut. The helplessness. I only know to hide. Perhaps I’ll do that. At least for now. For awhile more.