I’ve come to this moment in time where i feel so god-damn stressed that i’m just angsty all the time. I’ve gone into this “Just do whatever you want. I no longer care.” mode. Lately i’ve been trying to be a bit more positive. Trying to convince myself that i’m not as bad as i deem myself to be, that i am still learning, and that it’s fine to not be as ‘perfect’ as how everyone else around me was.
Sometimes i look at myself and i wonder why i’m so stressed. Perhaps my mechanism of coping just isn’t so well. I wonder why i try so hard too. My thoughts are so jumbled up, so messed up. I’m just tired i suppose. Emotional rollercoasters aren’t fun.
My main frustration stems from two sources i suppose, or rather, three: Family, Project Work and Money. Money, i suppose, is one source where most people feel pressure from, so i suppose that’s self-explanatory, especially since i’m going overseas and things are expensive.
Family… Is one hella heck of bullshit. To cut the long story short, my sister and my mom are having a cold war, and it kinda sucks. Things are kinda drama-ish because i only have a limited amount of time and i can’t spend it with both of them at the same time. Coming down to preference, i rather spend it with my sister because she isn’t a downer and doesn’t treat me like a punching bag (not so obviously i suppose? though i wonder if i’ve been slowly brainwashed over the years). With my mom, it’s a different story altogther. I feel like i’m spending time with her out of obligation. Because i’ll be away and she will be alone by herself. But i don’t want to spend time with her. But i have to? Because she’s my mom? Out of filial piety? You get my dilemma right? How do i put it. They both have their flaws (as do i, plenty in fact), but my sister probably hides hers better, and she has a baby so that’s a plus point.
Project work… Is a headache. I feel like i’m doing most of the work myself, with some ocassional help. I just can’t wait to fly and get out of this place. I’m also incredibly frustrated that i’m doing most of the admin work, and going to the meetings (most of the time) by myself. If i’m working alone then fine. But i’m not. And that just sucks to the max i suppose. I guess i’m just frustrated because i’m labbing alone right now (alone from my group) and i still have to go to school tomorrow night to pick some damn colonies because if not i can’t do checking on Wednesday and Thursday i’ll be gone for work and i still have to attend a meeting afterwards? Are you kidding me? I feel stressed too ever since last meeting cause there hasn’t been much results. Sigh.
I’m just waiting to fly or waiting to die. This is so tiring. Its easier when there’s someone with me, but alone? It’s kinda tiring and all.
Sighs.
16 more days.
-shz
hyperactivekidshz 