Differences

I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped.

—	Fritz Perls, Gestalt Prayer (via wordsnquotes)

How apt a quote for the feeling i am having right now. It’s as if it has read my mind. I seem to be at some point of clashing with a friend (or more aptly put, acquaintance) because of how different we are. But i don’t understand why our difference is a problem. Or why we can’t get along because of our difference. Perhaps it’s the reason why we never talked to each other much. Perhaps its the reason why i don’t have strong opinionated friends… I just can’t stand how one-tracked mind they are. But then again, perhaps that is my problem to deal with. 

So now i’m replaying this song to relief my angst. I can’t do anything much otherwise because i’m in Berlin and i’m travelling with a friend.

I’m sure i’m not that good a person to travel with. But i try… I’m weak and all, but i’m trying. I walk for hours even though half of the time i just want to sit somewhere and not move at all. But i walk with you anyway. And apparently it’s annoying. I’m sorry for trying then. I’m not much of a walker… Not when i’m not that interested in things. But i hate missing out. That’s a bad trait of mine. It leads me to try things that i’m somewhat sure i wouldn’t like, but since i never tried before, i wouldn’t know. But to put it simply, i’m just kiasu or afraid to lose.

It’s not my only bad trait. I have plenty. I can name 10 easily. Short tempered, selfish, low stamina, lazy, irritating, conflicted, indecisive, sometimes stubborn, needy and greedy. Of course that’s because i’m living with myself for like the past 20 years. Of course i know myself a bit better than i do most people. I see those things. I try to curb my temper… I try to be slightly more decisive… i try to eat less… i try to look at other’s point of view…  But i’m also aware that the view we have of ourselves are skewed. We can be too critical of ourselves (and yes i picked up this phrase somewhere else). For me, i don’t see the good in me. I can’t see why people will want to be with me. But i suppose if i have friends who are kind enough to listen to my rants, people who can angst on my behalf, then i don’t think i’m utterly worthless. At least i can do something. At least that’s what i try to believe.

But when you try to put me down, consciously or not, it’s a pain. I feel an urge to somewhat justify my actions. I feel an urge to please people. To make you like me, even though it is plain to see that that will never happen because we are too different. I hate bars. I hate the idea of trying to make friends by talking to strangers over nothing. To come up with topics out of thin air. I know it’s an essential skill. I know i have to learn it. But i don’t like it. Simple as that. I can probably do a bit of socialising if i have to. But i really don’t want to. Not when i’m trying to give myself a break.

Which also brings me to my next point: The point of exchange. I had to re-think what my point of coming to exchange was for. To meet new people, which i did manage to, though its not a lot. To rest. I think the more important point was for me to take a break because the past 4 semesters have been a pain. Even though i felt like i did a lot it seems like i didn’t really do a lot. Perhaps i’m just stressing myself too much. But it’s good to re-think the point of exchange. I didn’t actually plan to travel much even though i’m in Europe. But i suppose its a good thing i’m going around for a bit.

Anyway i have again deviated away from my intended topic. I’m just frustrated, and hurt, that’s all. I’m tired of having to deal with someone with a bitchy attitude. Of course the definition of bitchy is different for everyone, but for me, its when someone try to force their opinions on you and tell you that you’re not to their liking.

But then again, that’s why we’re different. And that’s why i have to sort my thoughts out. And perhaps, just, for a moment, give myself a bit of closure on this issue…

It does feel like every time i try to resolve an issue with someone it never turns out well… What am i doing incorrectly? Perhaps its the way i convey my message, or the way i communicate. Am i too aggressive? Too angry? Non-tactful? I don’t know. I only know, if i don’t sort this personality issue thing out, i will keep having to face people whom i once knew, and pretend i have never met them. It sucks. It hurts. We were friends. Did that mean nothing at all?

Anyway, enough of this self-wallowing.

Spamming a bit of quotes from tumblr and i’m off.

I should learn this. My pride is perhaps one of my downfall.

If you’re brave enough to say ‘goodbye’ life will reward you with a new ‘hello.’

—	Paulo Coelho  (via thelovejournals)

I realised that i didn’t post this yesterday.. Oh well.

 

-shz
The issue is kinda resolved already but since i already typed this i will leave it at this.

 

I think sometimes, you feel, the loneliness, in you.
You feel left out, alone, darkness all around.
Your heart is heavy, but your mind is clear.
Your mind tells you: “You’re thinking too much; you’re worrying for nothing.”

But are you, really?
You feel like you’re good for nothing;
What can you offer to others?
Nothing. Nothing at all. 

But sometimes, i suppose -the rational part says- that isn’t up to you to decide. Sometimes -the rational you comments- all you can do, is give your all. Beat the demons down, even for awhile. Tomorrow will be, perhaps, a slightly better day.