That’s what they say. But that’s not how i feel.
How do you ever find the motivation to go on despite everything? It just feels as if i’ve been struggling to find a reason to go on these days. Especially these days. Perhaps i’m just feeling inferior in many many ways. But i can’t help it. I feel slightly overwhelmed… It’s as if no amount of ‘me time’ is enough to make me feel okay. I feel somewhat reluctant to meet up with people (whom i’m not as close with at least), or to read my papers, or to write my reports. My to-do list is increasing but i just can’t find the motivation to do something about it.
Of course then I’ve also been thinking. Of course. When am i ever not, right? Sometimes i think i live too much in my own world. Maybe because i spend too much time with myself. Hm. Maybe. Or maybe i just really want someone to care about me. Like… Idk. Then again it’s not like people have nothing else better to do right? Meh. And i guess there are people who care about me? I guess? I don’t know. Sometimes i feel like pissing off everyone just so i have a stronger reason to no longer give a f___ about anything. But then that’s kinda bad i guess. I don’t know. I just don’t feel like there’s any reason to live? Maybe. But maybe that’s not true since i’m still afraid of death. Hm. I don’t know. I’m just sad and pissed off and everything… Ugh. Oh well at least my swimming bowl of ikan bilis is accompanying me… Spreading a nice soupy smell throughout the house right now. And i have to go watch webcast… Meh. I digressed again didn’t I?
Forget it. Here’s a nice song from Hebe. Yay.
-shz
Sometimes it feels as if i can’t get anything right… or that nothing i do is ever enough… Or that i’m just so lazy sometimes… and so afraid of seeing people’s disappointment and reactions or their patronising smiles. Perhaps that’s why i’m adverse to watching people open my gift to them in front of me, or reading cards that i wrote for them. Perhaps i’m just very good at running away. Or i’m just a coward. Probably that i’m just a coward. Perhaps i haven’t grown up at all. I’m still terrified. Terrified of being a fraud, being a failure, being a shitty human being, shitty friend, shitty sister, shitty daughter. Perhaps i am. I don’t know. I don’t know whose telling the truth and who isn’t. I don’t know who to trust. And i know people dislike negative thoughts, feelings, etc. And so that is why i only have you. My little blog where i rant and try to process these negative feelings. I don’t know if it has helped me or not. But i know at least having this as an outlet beats screaming at people… Although i wonder if perhaps just screaming it to their face is a better choice. Perhaps not. I don’t know. Okay i’ll just go stirr my ikan bilis soup.
hyperactivekidshz 