Just at work, thinking about some things… Thinking about how i’m thinking too much, about how i’m trying to get to know people a bit better. I realise, of course, that not everyone is going to want to talk to me, or that they’re fine just being acquaintances, and that sometimes, there just isn’t an opportunity to talk. Of course then there’s the fact that the friendship is going to be a shallow one (and a short one), and then there’s probably no point in making one. Which of course, i agree (to a certain extent, and depending on my mood).
Of course whatever choices i have made/am going to made, i’ll have to live by it. Sometimes i wonder if perhaps i should have stuck with the group of sgporeans when i was on exchange. They all seem so close now. Although i say that, i still think i would have felt incredibly awkward. Being in a large group isn’t really my forte. I’ve believed it in the past, i’ve tried not to believe it, but i think that is true. Not like i’m super good with one-on-one conversations, but they’re way easier to handle (provided the other party is willing to converse with you). Which then brings me to the point of this post: I’m an incredibly lucky person. I know i grumble a whole tonne about feeling insecure, tired of life, sick of trying (although my brain refuses to let me stop thinking about it even though i verbally agreed to give up), feeling like i’m doing the wrong things every single time… But i’m incredibly lucky. I suppose sometimes these thoughts are what makes me feel a little less down, a little less depressed.
I’m lucky to have secondary school friends whom i can hang out with, whom i feel happy hanging out with, and whom i (sort of) never get the vibe that i’m unwelcomed. I think probably one main reason is because we don’t hang out as much and i suppose that makes every single hang out a precious moment. There isn’t the lingering jealousy that i use to feel, about being left out and all. Perhaps it no longer matters, at least with them. Okay i still feel a little. I’d be lying if i said i didn’t. But that’s just part of my whole emotions package that i can never seem to get rid of. Perhaps it stems from my insecurity and sensitivity. The fear of being looked down upon, of being left out. Perhaps it’ll never go away, but i’m slowly learning to live with it.
I’m lucky to have older siblings and my mom who cares about me. So they’ve all moved out, yeah. But at least they still care about me. I may not be close to my brothers and all but i know they care (at least to a small extent) about me. Learning to live in a quiet house which used to be noisy and crowded is something i’ve had to get used to. You never truly appreciate the presence of others in the house until you’re the only one left. I once thought i’d love it. Perhaps on some days, i do. But also on some days, the house feels enormously large, empty, and silent. Dinner feels like a chore. But absence does make you appreciate people more. Unfortunate that they have to be gone before you truly realise. But that’s true.
I’m lucky to have friends who i can complain/grumble to that haven’t found me a burden and left me in one corner by myself. Perhaps i really grumble too much. But other than blogging and complaining about it, i haven’t really found other ways to let go of things. Listening to other people’s point of view gives me a new perspective, even if its the same one many times, and sometimes, i just want someone to agree that things are shit. Life goes on i suppose.
I’m also lucky in the sense that whenever i have problems, i have someone to turn to. In lab, in class, in life. Perhaps they don’t have the answer. Especially to the problems in life. But it’s nice to have someone who has been through things, and to always remember that a bad day isn’t a bad life.
I’m wondering if that applies to my worms that are refusing to die. I’m feeling a whole tonne of stress over that because i feel so useless. Like i can’t properly do experiments. It’s made worse by the fact that my senior introduced me to her prof, and it seems as if i’m not living up to the expectations that i assume would come with it. Maybe i’m thinking too much. Maybe. I don’t really know. I get the feeling that even my mentor is sort of puzzled as to why my experiments aren’t going well.
Anyway. I’m going to end here. I was going to say “I’m lucky, but not lucky enough.”. Perhaps this is true in lab, but in life? Well. I’m lucky enough already.
-shz
I’m trying my best. And if that’s not enough, then perhaps, that’s not for me. I’ll continue trying, even as it’s draining and all. But i’ll stick to my little mantra – Just keep moving. Even when you’re cemented to the ground. It may be pointless. But who knows?
hyperactivekidshz 