Does it bother you?

Does it bother you…
That as you look around you, people seem more competent, more daring, more… complete.

Does it bother you?
That each help you ask for, chips away at your self esteem.
Your perceived ability to do something without help.
Without bothering someone else.

Does it bother you?
That as you meet new people, you see how eloquent they are.
You sink deeper into a never-ending cycle of self doubt. 

Does it bother you…
That it’s getting harder to ask for help.
And even though you know, deep down inside, that you probably should. 

Does it bother you, when you feel like you’re becoming the very one you detest?
The one that makes up excuses, the one that no longer tries to be proactive. 

The one that can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Does it bother you?
That as the years progress, you see more and more of the ‘true’ you?
You see the selfish side, the useless side, the… fake side.
The coward in you, and the lazy-ass in you. The one who just wants to sink into the virtual world, any world. Any world where you’re not useless, pointless, just an average joe. Yet wasn’t that what you wanted? To be average? But you don’t want that either, deep down inside. 

Does it bother you, when the other self you thought you identified with 9 years ago, doesn’t seem to exist anymore? What if you’re deliberately sinking yourself into this depressive mess because getting out of it makes you feel as though you don’t deserve it? 

Has it become something that is part of who you are?

Does it bother you?
When you’re trying so hard to blend in, that you’ve lost who you were.
But have you ever known who you wanted to be? Every path looks dark, dim, difficult, discouraging and honestly just… not worth the effort. When the calculative part of you just don’t see the point in trying because you’ll fail anyway. 

And you hate failures. They eat you away like everything else. They make you feel stupid. Idiotic. Like you’re stupid for even thinking that you could make it.

Does it bother you?
Because it bothers me. It bothers me that i’m so easily manipulated by external factors, that i’m not ‘strong’ enough to rebound from failures, that my desire for someone else to see me just makes me not want to be with them at all. I don’t want to end up looking stupid. Pride. It’s all pride. Pride and fear. 

I thought i was over it. Evidently i’m not. I thought i was over my past. But i’m not. I thought i’m over the thoughts and rules and every social boundary in this place. But i’m not. I still care about what people think.

It bothers me so much. And i don’t know what to do. Except grit my teeth and clench my fists. And immerse myself into an alternate universe where i don’t ever have to deal with me. 

-shz

Running away

So its the finals period. And i’m trying to be less… icy than i feel. Maybe i’m just bad with failures. I probably am. Ranted a bit yesterday while breaking down. I guess that helped? I don’t know. I feel a bit hollow still. I still feel a bit useless. Well maybe not a bit but you get what i mean. Maybe i should pick up something. Like guitar. Which i always wanted to but i never ever did. Cause you know… Lazy. Laziness will be the death of me. Need someone to come and make me stick to a schedule or sth. Yet, because i’m me, if you force me i won’t want to follow you then i want to follow something else. Like some idiot.

I don’t know who to talk to about a lot of things. So i say a little here to someone, a little there to another, and i can’t reconcile them because there isn’t someone who knows everything. Then again, it’s not like its fair to dump everything on someone.

I feel like i’m making a lot of stupid mistakes in my life. Like not asking for help for example. I can’t bring myself to see a counselor even though i think i should. I don’t think they’ll help. Well i said i wanted to but i didn’t in the end anyway. I doubt i will spill anything even if i see one. Probably will blank out and curse myself afterwards. See?

I feel like hope is evil. Even though it isn’t. But having too much hope just… makes the fall even worse. I don’t really want to cry anymore. I’m tired. Lol. I know, i know. I’m lucky. Lucky in many ways. And i know it’s just one small phase of my life that will not matter 30 years later.

But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck right now, and that i don’t feel helpless at all. Or stupid. It’s part of life, yes. But… i’m finding it hard to pass through. Other than muddling through with shields. And a blank mind.

-shz

Gotta hang on, eh… in a tiny corner of my mind.

Aging

I think, as we age, the more fearful we become, the less we accept change. I’m not saying that occurs for everyone, but I can see, as I’m becoming ‘older’, why people are unwilling to accept change. It becomes more tiring to play the catch up game, as you have more and more things to take note of. You take into account more things that you perhaps didn’t before – family, money, networking/socialising – that you’re trying so hard to balance now. In the past it didn’t matter. But as you grow older you start to realise the frailty of things. Your parents are older now. They get tired after work, and as you become more busy, you start to see that they get lonely. Money. You could always count on your family to give it to you (well in most cases at least). Not anymore. Networking is a skill that you have to learn. One that, even if you detest, you have to still master. That’s reality. You also realise that you learn a little slower than before, and it frustrates you when you can’t grasp a new concept that quickly. Going into the real working world also means that you have to be good at something. And if you have to take time to learn that, then you’re going to lose out. Or maybe that’s the state of my mind now. But I’m starting to see what I’ve been missing out in the past. Or maybe I’m just overthinking.

-shz

可遇不可求

I want it, but if it’s not mine, i can’t force it.

Perhaps i’ve been thinking about it too much these few days. I’ve even been dreaming about it. But i guess as the week draws to a close, my chances of actually getting it is really slim. A small part of me knows I’m probably not entirely qualified for it, but the silly me still hopes that i may somehow have gotten it. Perhaps not. But i suppose until i actually hear the names of people who got it, the tiny, hopeful me won’t be quenched…

I’m stupid, aren’t I?

-shz

Hoping so much for a miracle. But i don’t know why i’m hoping for it. As a form of justification? Or is my intent really pure in wanting to do something for the community? Perhaps it’s not entirely pure. But whose is?