Pressure

I might go crazy soon.

I agree with this. I feel like this will be my downfall one day, and as much as i’m trying not to give a damn, I somehow can’t. At this point i just feel like i don’t want to do anything anymore and i feel stressed because i’m not doing anything and then it makes me feel even worse. Like a vicious cycle you know? Even as i’m trying to force myself to do things (which isn’t working out very well), i feel the stress. Like literally i’m feeling this pressure in my chest and the dull ache in my head, the slight choke in my throat. The sensation of wanting to break down and yet not wanting to be there when it happens.

Okay i’m probably exaggerating and thinking too much.

Well if this is true then i have a whole shit ton of things to think about. Which i actually am. Which actually landed me in this rut of emotions in the first place. The thought that perhaps what i wanted all along is just something i want to want but not what i really wanted. What do i really want?

Trying to learn to take things one step at a time. Sometimes looking far just makes things worse.

 

-shz

i can’t even.

Sinking

I feel like i’m sinking… Into a well of emotions.
Things i can’t control.
A little unstable, a little inferior.
Slowly the voices inside devour my sense of being.

‘Look how good they are at expressing themselves’, ‘look how good they are at coming up with ideas’, ‘look how proficient they are in coming up with insightful, meaningful questions’, and ‘how good they are at knowing what loopholes to lookout for’. But look at how your mind turns blank when things happen, at how your mind refuses to work when you’re given something to do. 

I feel like everything i’ve gotten so far is so based on luck, and i don’t know where i’m going to go from there. I feel unfit to be in the position that i am in right now, and i desperately wish i could be the person people think i am. 

Perhaps its the stresses getting to me again. The voices in my head. The every loathing part of me that cannot seem to control the emotions that well up. The jealousy, the fear, the… incompetent side of me. Perhaps i’ve been running from it for far too long. 

But there’s nowhere else i can go. Nowhere safe. Perhaps i’m too afraid, and not trusting of my own capabilities. Do I have any? I desperately hope so. 

I feel like i’m waiting for a trigger… something to happen… that either breaks me or gives me the meaning or the purpose to get our of this rut that i’ve placed myself in. 

But for now i have to go.

-shz

Emotional rollercoaster

Feeling a bit down… probably cause i was too high earlier in the day? Attempting to be a bit more social, a bit less antisocial. Still berating myself for being weak and not rejecting the talk for Saturday. I guess it’s a new experience and all, but it doesn’t make the nervousness and all go away. And i’m at this point in time where i would rather present something factual over doing things like these.

Then again, maybe i’m still learning to accept failures, although at the rate my semester has gone, i’m going to screw up and be some disappointment again. Argh.

Okay i’m thinking too much. I can do this. Yes. I can. Maybe. Not like i have a choice… (although we always have a choice but i will always take the easy way out if it was entirely up to me. unfortunately there’s this weirdness to me that i have to do things the hard way so i don’t end up giving up on everything. argh.)

i give up on typing this too.

 

-shz