does everything really happen for a reason?

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Maybe what i deem right isn’t so for others, and maybe i’ll always end up making enemies because i’m still learning how not to. But i guess along the way, i’ll learn a little more about how to interact better with people, how to learn to put things down, and also discover a little more about myself. Perhaps i won’t ever find out the real way to never offend people, because i don’t believe in putting up a fake front just to fit in. But perhaps, i’ll learn to be a little less cynical, a little more accepting, and to be able to let things go more easily.

I’m still learning. I’m a petty person, but i’m learning how to not be. To just let things go; to not attempt to hurt people just because they hurt me. It gnaws on me though, the resentment, the unfairness. But i know i’d probably regret it if anything bad happens…

Where is the message?

I think i will always reblog this quote haha; because it’s so true. It’s so easy to be stuck in a cycle of worries though. It feels like you’re doing something rather than nothing at all. But there’s no end to it, and no benefit or good that will come out of excessively worrying about things. Life will pass, and if i’ve learnt nothing from all these years, then i’ve at least learnt that time will heal. It will hurt, but time is a pretty miraculous worker. 

So blunt, but so true. There are few people that i will fight for, but there are at least people that i will fight for, if you dare speak ill of them. 

Guilty as charged. 

I do like quotes, but i also like it the most when i can best relate to it.

If i assume, you think, then who confirms?

 

-shz

 

Useless

I’m trying so hard not to sink into this deep well of emotions; of feeling worthless, useless, pointless, of being just a pile of cells wasting resources. It all feels so dramatic, but i can’t help it. Can’t help but think back to the pile of failures i have – in relationships, friendships, lab, especially lab. Now, even studies. I mean, i expected not to do well in the CA, but as usual, i always had that lingering tiny little hope particle that i’ll do a bit better than i expected. Of course, reality doesn’t always work that way, and i suppose my luck has also ran out.

I suppose so has my motivation, since right now i absolutely do not feel like trying anymore. Of course that makes things worse because doing nothing at all is so much worse than trying to do something, except that i don’t have any more energy to try. Like i’m torn between wanting to go back to lab, and just focusing on my CAs. I’ve screwed up one CA, i don’t really want to screw up another. Of course that means i should really be studying now, but i do want to get this off my chest.

I’ve been feeling quite stressed lately; and as a result i’ve also been sleeping more. Maybe it’s an escape, but i suppose it beats having the occasional head pains and moments where my head feels like it’s going to explode from the pressure inside. So today i felt faint in the MRT as well, which led me to wonder what i would do if i suddenly realised that i was going to die. Would i seek treatment, or just let it be? In my current state of mentality, i believe i would just let it be, but i’m just worried about my loan; where would that go to? It’s not going to pay itself. So for now, i guess i’ll just pray that i survive until i pay off my loan. I wouldn’t want to pass on a liability to my family…

How do i get rid of this anxiety? This feeling of worthlessness, the stress of being labelled a failure, the fear that whatever that has been getting me by has just been luck, luck and luck. What if i can’t do anything beyond regurgitating notes and ‘applying’ concepts? What can i do to contribute, to feel slightly less empty? Everything i do can easily be replaced by someone else. What then, is my purpose? Or am i merely here as number XXXth Human; to fulfill someone else’s wish of having a child; to spend so others can earn?

Living is so tiring.

-shz

and hope that everything bad will pass. But will it? 

Goodbye

Well… This has got to be the weirdest way to break friendships… But i suppose it’s one of the better endings already. Of ending a friendship on the basis of ‘a lack of trust’, although i prefer to think of it as a difference in styles of dealing with things. I think i’m still trying to process it? We were never extraordinarily close friends in the first place, or at least in my opinion. Then again, i never classify many people as ‘close’ in the first place.

And today is the day i wish to tell my future self one thing: time does not dictate intimacy. I never thought about it until today, but as i’ve always been selective, i would always say (in the past) that i’ve never had any close friends at all. Of course it’s different now because i have friends who i deem close enough that i would tell them most things (once i’ve processed them enough).

I’ve definitely changed over the years, i feel. For the better or for the worse, that’s still left to be seen. But back to the story; I still felt sad even though we were never very close friends. I just felt sad that things had to end this way. Especially between the two people who i thought were amazing in their own ways; one in coming up with new initiatives, new thoughts, with the drive to do things to benefit people; and another with their own way of being able to talk to everyone, anyone, and the drive and capability of delivering their thoughts clearly.

But perhaps, i’ve been ‘influenced’, one way or another, to lean towards one over the other. And perhaps i only have myself to blame for whatever happened today. And perhaps it is for the better, seeing how my eyes have been opened (or swayed, whichever; i doubt i will ever know?) towards someone who i thought i knew but actually didn’t.

Which brings me to repeat myself: time does not dictate intimacy, nor your ability to perceive a person.

And perhaps the ease of me letting this go, says something about this friendship in the first place. And perhaps, better now than later.

-shz

Let this be a lesson learnt; don’t dwell in things that don’t have a place for you; or a place will be made for you. And make your stand clear, early.