Fear

I really hope so.

—

I’m afraid. of many things. But i don’t know how to get rid of the fear.

Afraid of losing out.

Afraid of failing.

Afraid of being hated.

Afraid of being lied to.

Afraid of many many things.

Things that i looked forward to, all seem meaningless as i appear to get a chance at it.

Too afraid that what i wanted, is not up to my expectations. Afraid of the crash, the fall, the disappointment. It makes my heart sink.

The sinking is a negative feedback, making me even more afraid to think about it. So i push it aside, pretending it doesn’t exist. Refusing to confront it, hoping it will all go away.

Too used to doing that. How do i change? I try but it never works out.

Always afraid. The heart keeps sinking, keeps feeling empty, keeps bringing my feelings down with it.

How?

What do i do?

 

-shz

 

Stress

Lately i’ve been thinking to myself… whether i should see a counselor or not. It’s just a thought.. But i wonder if it’d be helpful. I wonder if i even need it in the first place. But i feel quite stressed lately; seemingly more so than usual. Perhaps its because everything is ‘falling apart’, or that i’m really just comparing myself too much to others. I feel very conflicted; i want, and i don’t. I don’t know what to do. Maybe it’s because i’m worried about my future too. Maybe i’m still hung up over everything that has happened.

Sometimes i look back at my choice and i wonder if i made the right ones. I wonder if i’m doing things just because they look good. I’m trying not to be superficial; but positive feedback loops work really well, and so my brain has been wired towards that.

I feel quite lost and alone. Tired too. Unsure of what i’m doing, and what i’m doing things for. Too afraid of failures, too afraid of judgement. Too afraid of being inferior, and being less than what is expected. I feel like i’ve felt this for a long time… I wonder how long i can stand this. Maybe it’s just this period of time. But i’m just… conflicted. Forever conflicted. How do people live with themselves? How do i let go? I thought i let go but sometimes i feel like i haven’t. It’s just pushed to the side but i’m still carrying it. I try to be nonchalant but it’s not my style. I’m being overdramatic or something i guess?

How do people get motivated to do work?

But sometimes my brain agrees that i’m an idiot.

Perhaps. I just need a breather. 

 

-shz

tired. afraid.