Mismatched Expectations

Perhaps sometimes it is better to not have expectations at all.

Perhaps sometimes, it’s better to state everything upfront.

Perhaps i’ve just been lying to myself all this while. Saying it didn’t matter, it doesn’t bother me.

But it does.

Perhaps i should never have had the notion that birthdays are important. Then it wouldn’t bother me this much.

But really i just wanted a meal out somewhere nice, and then perhaps head back home or something. But it was just another normal day out i suppose. Eat lunch (well technically it was a treat since i didn’t pay for the food? but well.. idk. it wasn’t exactly what i expected.. i mean..i’m not even a fan of Ya Kun?), then go NTUC, have to deal with my niece, help to carry stuff, wait for Aunt, ended up at a Kopitiam… and then i gave up and just bought my own slice of cake to eat.

I could have just done that all at home. -_-. Instead of having to go out, lug around packages for people, take care of a kid that is somewhat annoying (albeit cute at times; but still, annoying, cause y’know, kids.). It got to the point where i just said i had to go back to lab, like an hour later, and ended up just watching Youtube on the train while it went to Harborfront and backwards towards KR where i alighted (i.e. i just sat longer in the train than i needed to).

At least lab was quiet.

And then i guess i thought we would go somewhere nice for dinner… but nope; we ended up back at the Kopitiam… Tho i guess at least my Aunt was nice enough to treat me to a meal. I feel like some spoilt brat or something for feeling this way? But idk. I could have just gone to Kopitiam any other day. And perhaps it was just mismatched expectations. My point is, when you end up expecting something and you don’t get it, it kind of sucks.

Well at least i bought myself a nice birthday gift i suppose. And my sis was nice enough to have treated me somewhere nice yesterday, although it was a little bit of a bummer since she had to run off afterwards. Perhaps i’m asking for too much after all.

At least the day is ending. I don’t know to be happy or sad. But time moves on, and so do we.

And at least i’ve got a pretty decent keyboard with nice backlights for once. And pretty nice typing sounds too.

Can’t complain about that i suppose.

-shz

PS the keyboard has a really huge spacebar; i’ve only just realised.

Today, by accident, i realised that even those that appear invincible, have demons that they are struggling to fight against.

And boy, what a way to end of 2017 right? Haha. With complaints and all. But i will say 2017 has been a very trying year for me, given all the terrible lab experiments i have to deal with, and the serious lack of motivation, sudden career change thoughts. I do hope 2018 will be a bit better. I do hope i’ve become a teeny bit better, although.. well. I don’t know.

 

Rainy

Perhaps i will never understand
The things i do
And the decisions i make

The need for approval
The denial of truth
Afraid to face the consequences

Afraid to commit
Afraid to try
Even as i swear that i will give it a chance

Sometimes i wonder why
I contemplate the things i do
The need to re-look at past conversations
The need to analyse

As if i definitely did something wrong
As if i failed somewhere
Expressing too many emotions
Or showing that i cared

No one wants to deal with overthinkers
And neither do i
Yet i’m stuck with one
And i don’t know where to hide

Sometimes i feel fine
And other days i want to cry
Sometimes i feel like i’m living someone else’s life
Perhaps better lived by them instead

I really just want to run away
Go to somewhere alone
Free from the clutches of feelings
Free from myself

Sometimes i wonder
If i’ll ever come to a consensus
On what to think about
And what to leave behind

But everytime i tell myself to leave it behind
It somehow always comes back
And perhaps it will always be like this
Until i learn to say goodbye

-shz

Until then, the rain shall be my solace.