Emotions

I’m running out of words to describe the negative emotions that courses through me. I’ve written, and have been writing about the same emotions time and again. But i still don’t know how to deal with them. I still repress them as much as i can, except repressing isn’t the same as processing and it doesn’t teach you how to not feel that way again. I guess sometimes its a matter of perspective. And i’m trying to dissect it.

The emotions i feel comes in the form of hurt, disappointment, fear, jealousy. Internally directed emotions that just cripples my will to live and move on with things. Stimuli comes from a whole range of things, and starts when i start to compare myself to others. To people whom are better than me but… shouldn’t be? or to put it in another way, that i should know what they know, and know what to do more than them because… i’m older? Though that sounds stupid. Probably is stupid.

Nevermind. Sometimes i just wish i don’t have to continue this anymore… Officially ran out of steam and ****s to give to other people. Why do i give a damn. Why?

Is it? Or maybe it’s all a lie.

Survive the emotional onslaught of fear and self-loathing. Redirect the fear, the hurt. It’s a vicious cycle. 

F all social constructs and norms… I need someone, something, some method to remove my thoughts and replace it with something else.

this makes no sense. and i can’t seem to make sense of things. i want to sleep and i don’t want to do work but i have to do work and i have to be in the presence of people because its the normal thing to do and i don’t want yet i want to because i don’t want to seem anti-social although i probably already seem anti-social. sigh. okay nevermind lets just do work and stop this stupid spiralling thought that might just drive me insane.

-shz

please someone. just. tell me it’s okay to make seemingly stupid decisions for seemingly stupid reasons. maybe its time i just do something for myself because anyway i am going to end up doing the same thing over and over… until i give up.