Clouded

Of whether my choice is right. Of whether my choice is dumb. Or whether i am just prolonging the inevitable.

I suppose it’s some sort of a sign that i’ve been pondering over this for the past few months. Maybe that itself should be some sort of indicator that i should be getting out of this relationship. And soon.

So i’ve been brooding. Brooding over a few things. Over the past few days i’ve had my sis told me to make a pros-and-cons list (which for the record i have but that was made like last year in Dec), i’ve had friends tell me they expected me to break up already, and people telling me that there’s no pity in love.

And of course i have a friend who (i suppose due to somewhat similar but less extreme circumstances) told me to take things slow, and to make sure the decision i make isn’t one i regret. My head is pretty clouded now with emotions though, and i don’t feel like stepping out of this cloud to make a decision.

But i have to, don’t i? I can’t run forever. And if its this hard to let go now, it’s going to get worse, right? So let’s try to clear up my mind a little.

Issue: (Sounds pretty stupid but well.. i am pretty dumb so… And besides, it’s an issue that i should have been more concerned with i suppose?) The lack of concrete evidence that my my current r/s will work. I suppose it got triggered even more when i have friends around me who are BTO-ing for houses, and who are planning for proposals. It just hit home that day that despite being in this for over 1.5 years (which i guess is still short or something?), there’s literally no concrete future plans of some sort. The only thing i know is that he won’t be staying in Singapore, and doesn’t want to come back either (migration basically). Which location is he looking at? Anywhere but Asian countries? No designated PhD schools in mind (or maybe he does but the last i asked… nope). The initial plan was if i did PhD we could probably find somewhere close by? But i don’t know if i want to do, and i’m slightly leaning towards ‘No’ now since industry progression doesn’t require a PhD. But it’s still open?

Besides that, there are issues that i’ve (stupidly) been trying to avoid. Things that should technically be labelled as dealbreakers: Kids or not (Nil for him, maybe for me – but i would really like that option open…), the migration issue and private issues. Tho now as i try to list things out, there somehow doesn’t seem to be that many? Tho they’re all major.

So he knows my concerns, but he’s left it up to me. He says he understands if the relationship is too draining for me, with all these uncertainties. Which brings me to the pros and cons list:

Pros:
1) He’s patient with me (more or less). And very nice to me. (is that one or two points?)
2) He’s nice to others (that’s important!) – friends, waitresses, cashiers etc.
3) He’s also quite sociable… so he’s like my social shield…
4) Open minded (well uh… kinda. Though he has his own stance on certain issues like political and healthcare issues that he probably will never budge).

Cons:
1) Stubborn & pessimistic view on issues or things around him.
2) Anger management issues & lazy/complacent? (This kinda ties in to point 1 i guess) It gets pretty draining for me because my mood is very easily influenced by others – not good i know. He gets angry at the weather in Singapore, having to climb stairs, having to do anything to do with exercise. etc. So i get pretty upset when he’s swearing about things around. He complains about his work too, but he doesn’t want to change his job? Like these are things that are small but they get on my nerves.
3) Doesn’t know how to take care of himself. Again i guess this ties in with point 2. He doesn’t eat dinner, can go without eating meals, doesn’t exercise, and could probably just stay at home the whole day if he had the chance to. It’s a stickler for me because i don’t like to push people to do things. Like you’re an adult, please take care of yourself. He likes to argue about how ‘ramen is considered healthy too’ (yes ofc with all the thick seasoning in the soup), and he eats more like the western/jap style – burger, pizza, ramen, sushi etc.
Also likes to argue that exercise isn’t good for you (cause of the injuries you can get). That legit gets on my nerves. So we’ve also avoided talking about it. We’ve basically avoided talking about things like exercise, healthcare, army etc because his views on it is so extreme. Its been pointed out to me that his argument is just deliberately provoking because of his language, and i suppose i might have accepted the view if it was put to me in a much nicer way (without all the negative emotions associated with the issue that he so strongly disagrees with).
So as i write this i feel like maybe we aren’t that compatible after all… Oh and he likes his house dark and gloomy while i like mine bright… (found out when we stayed together on a trip).

So… I guess we aren’t that compatible after all? Or are they just issues that can be eventually resolved? I really don’t know. But i know i still feel upset and sad when i think about breaking up with him.

Maybe i just don’t want to be alone? But i really will miss him. Him and his patience, his knowledge in things, having someone who understands my issues and someone who i can talk to. He sometimes sees things in a different light, which is good because there’s always a second point of view that you don’t see. I guess overall i (will) miss his company? And also because i’ve gotten used to being around him. And also because it’s just him. Sigh.

Why is life so complicated. Or more specifically, why am i so complicated???

Sighpie back to work.

-shz

Repair repair repair, or give up?

Edit: There’s a pretty nice article on this https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201708/how-do-we-decide-whether-or-not-break