To find out where this challenge came about, see this.
Sorry for missing the one yesterday; Had a Barre class and was super duper tired afterwards. And even today i feel a slight reluctance to journal because i’m not in the right state of mind to think about life. So i shall pick something light and move on from there, right?
Do you prefer to donate time or money to those in need? Why?
I think both are equally important, and because i have somewhat ‘split’ personalities sometimes, depending on whether i feel brave or not, here are my thoughts:
Money.
For when i feel cowardly, when i feel like I can’t possibly make a difference, and me being there is just a huge hindrance. For what, right?
Because it’s always something that is needed. Because it’s something practical, and because it’s something that is needed to buy the food that we all need to eat, buy the materials needed to e.g. repair a broken toilet, repaint walls, buy cleaning materials, rent a venue for an event, etc.
Because it’s something easy to give, and easy to feel like you’ve done something. And it is important for sure, for the reasons i’ve mentioned above. But it’s also very easy to detach yourself from the reality. It’s easy to think giving money helps to change the lives of people, and in a way, yes. It’s also much easier to reach out to different kinds of charity in this way, because it’s tough to commit to a whole bunch of charities physically, unless you don’t have to work, and even if you don’t, in order to make an impact, you usually have to input a lot of time and effort into it (if you intend to be an organiser etc). So in this way, monetary donations are preferred. It’s also instant gratification (in a way) since once that money goes into the tin can, you grab a sticker, and feel like you’ve done something good.
Time.
The one thing i wished i did better at. The one thing i feel really makes an impact, even if it’s just to one person. The thing that truly warms your heart.
Time’s a tough thing to donate. There’s so many other things you could be doing with your time, and sometimes it feels like you need even more. Where in the world would you find extra time to donate it to others?
But it’s the one thing i feel makes a more meaningful impact, although again it depends on what you’re doing. I generally prefer those where you get to interact with the beneficiaries directly, although i have to admit throughout the process i’m just a mess – lots of worrying, lots of fear, and lots of awkwardness (because well, i’m an awkward person.). But it’s also those events where i feel like i’ve actually done something. When they laugh at what you say, or enjoy the events planned, it warms my heart. It’s also why generally i prefer backend work of an event because you get to see the fruits of the labour, and because i’m really bad at interacting with strangers. I try, and i really really really want to be able to be like those people who open up so easily. But it’s tough for me. But i’ll try harder. Try to observe and learn, and try harder to stop being so afraid.
I’ve once been told by someone that they don’t believe in going down to volunteer, because it’s on such a small scale that it doesn’t really matter. It’s more impactful to try to change things from the top, make lives better for people in general. But I feel you need both. Because money can’t change how you feel when you’re alone and need a companion. And money can’t change much when you need someone to talk to, or feel like someone still cares.
Money’s just a paper, but we’re more than that, right?
Will make this short and sweet since I’m pretty tired today, and might skip the post tomorrow since i have class. Whoops. Anyway.
If i could change one thing about myself… I would trade my impatience for the ability to be patient. The ability to wait, to be understanding, to take time to think about the issue instead of jumping straight in. I would argue that my inability to wait (and irritation towards things being slow) is the main driver for things that i do eventually get done. I do wish though, that i had more patience in terms of how i can’t seem to achieve delayed gratification, or when i feel really impatient with my family members.
Another reason for the desire to be more patient is also in the hopes that it applies for me to myself. I get impatient with my own progress, my own ability to move forward, and my own issues. I get irritated, and that irritation drives away the ability to find areas to improve on, and instead only introduces anxiety and feelings of hopelessness.
So anyway, i’m cutting it off here and leaving with a quote from the same website:
-shz
Slow and steady wins the race. As long as you’re trying, you’re making progress. That’s the spirit, right?
This will auto upload at 12 midnight of 25/03/2019; Writing this early because I don’t think i have time to write tomorrow. PS: LONG LONG LONG LONG post.
To find out where this challenge came about, see this.
gratitude
/ˈɡratɪtjuːd/
noun
the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
Sometimes it’s easier to compare yourself to the best of the best. The people you look up to at work, the people who seem to ‘have it all’. Sometimes it’s easier to look at all the flaws you have, thinking about why you’re so inadequate and how much you’re lacking. And sometimes, it’s easier to sink into the never ending cycle of depression, of fear, of anxiety, of inadequacy.
It’s a cycle i see myself fall into more times than i would admit, and more times than i would have wanted. But i’m thankful that i have people (yes YT. I teared up when she told me she sees how much I’ve grown over the years. #such a low crying point but yeah) around me who remind me of how much I’ve grown over the years.
And so I’ve decided to start Day 2 of the 100 day challenge by counting my blessings. I only ever write whenever i’m down, whenever i need an outlet. Maybe it’ll be a good time to start writing about something a bit more positive… occasionally, eh?
Let’s see if i can get to a count of 10 5 shall we (ten is too tough for me haha)? And I wrote them in the order of which popped up in my head; so i wouldn’t say there’s a order in which they are more important.
#1 Having a relatively close-knit family + siblings.
I’ll define close-knit as having a family who you can rely on upon, who you don’t feel utter dislike or hatred for, and you feel comfortable being in. They’re your invisible pillars of support, the ones you don’t see until you’ve lost ‘everything’, because then you wonder how you’re still upright when it all looks like it has all crumbled into pieces.
Honestly, i would say i probably would have never placed such great importance on this until i was with my ex, as unappreciative as it sounds. You never realise how empty a house is until you’re alone in it, and you never realise how important your family is until you see circumstances where they are non-existent. Maybe it’s just me. I tend to take things for granted, and I acknowledge that. I try to be better each day, at least to my Mom. Be a little more patient, be a little more understanding. I try, but like everything else, there are days where i forget to keep my patience hat on, and as much as i complain it feels like guilt tripping, i’m thankful when my Mom tells me how unreasonable I’ve been. It’s feedback. And feedback is so important.
I try to say thanks for the small things my family does as well. Cooking for me, sending us to places, coming over to spend time together, helping me buy stuff. Some things you say thank you for, when it’s a direct act towards you (like when you ask for help and you receive it, you say thanks), but it’s also important to be thankful for the things you take for granted. Like when people cook for you, how often do you say thank you? When they drive you to work, or to anywhere, do you say thank you? You say thank you to the taxi drivers you pay for, but what about your own family members?
Siblings. I’m grateful i have them, even though they’re a pain in the a** sometimes. I really missed how lively they made the house when they were around. I’m never more grateful than when i wanted to spend time with them, they accommodated me even though they have their own families and things to do. I don’t thank them enough, especially my brothers i think. I still find it a little awkward sometimes, but i think it’s getting better. I hope.
#2 Having awesome friends!
I think the one thing i never forget to be thankful for is that I have friends. Friends who (by some unknown stroke of luck) put up with all my shit. And i have a lot of them. A whole pile that can fill an entire room. Or house. I mean, you can tell right? I mean family, well they’re stuck with me. But friends… They willingly stick to you! I still find it amazing that i have friends sometimes.
I’m eternally grateful that i have friends who i can talk to when i need advice (like my lovely bunch of friends who chatted with me from 9pm to 6am last night). I’m grateful that they put up with me when i was immature, when i threw tantrums and played stupid games to garner attention. I’m grateful that they find the friendship we have important enough that they put in effort to maintain it. I’m grateful that they pull me along to things i don’t normally do, like that pirate ship ride i would never in my life ever sit on, and regretted immensely when the ship started swinging. And i’m grateful that they accept me for me. They’ve probably seen the worst side of me (because i was really quite shitty in sec sch), and i’m glad they stuck around. I hope i could be who they are to me when they need help, and when they need someone to listen to. If they ever need to find someone who will accept them. I think of myself as a pretty open minded person because of my own experiences, so… I hope that helps?
I’m also glad that i have friends from JC and uni who are surprisingly willing to put up with me. I have incredible luck in that regard, now that i think about it. I’ve screwed up friendships before, because of my incredibly childish and stubborn personality. I still regret things, but i don’t have the courage to fix things, and only the wish that i find a way to put it down. Time helps. It really does. And because of that i’m also a bit more cautious when i’m doing things.
But i digress. I’m overall just glad that i have people who are willing to hang out with me, to game, to sing, to eat, to talk. I’m glad that they are willing to put in time to maintain the friendship, even if it’s just once a year. Friendship always takes two hands to clap. And i think it’s slightly easier now with social media since people do post about their lives and you can attempt to keep up if you so choose to. Even just messaging helps, or at least i feel it helps.
#3 My Health
I’m grateful that i’m overall in a pretty decent state of health. I don’t have to watch (too much) on what i eat, i don’t have to worry about chronic illnesses, and i can still exercise, walk, talk to people, jump around in excitement, etc. Health is something we take for granted sometimes. If not for Classpass, i would probably never really exercise. And even with Classpass it’s only like twice a week. #thelazyassofmine. I get days where i feel dizzy, days where i fall sick, but those aren’t things i can’t deal with, and i think health is really a gift you have to treasure and maintain before it’s gone.
#4 My Job
Wait wait, i don’t mean that the job that i am doing right now is my dream job. But i’m generally grateful that in my current job, i get to meet people that are awesome, incredibly nice and patient, and that it’s a job in a field i can see myself being in for awhile. Not necessarily the field of diagnostics, but more of the Science R&D field. Could be diagnostics, could be treatments, could be pathology. I always say the main reason for me liking Science is because it’s rational, it’s based on evidence, and it’s something that is never ending. In a good and bad way. The more you uncover, the more you realise you don’t really know it.
Inevitably, in Science, there’s likely to be results that contradict, and many many variables that may be differently accounted for that leads to a different conclusion altogether on the same issue. There’s also always black sheep who leave behind lasting damage, like Andrew Wakefield and his claims of vaccines causing autism that is unfounded, and the harm that resulted is so unnecessary. Anyway i digress.
Sometimes i get the thought that i’m not good enough to be working in the Science field. There’s so much i don’t know, and so much that contradicts. But that’s also the marvel of the field. It forces you to think, to be better, to seek knowledge. But the imposter syndrome feeling is strong… Gotta be better!
#5 The internet era
My it’s hard to come up with ten things to be grateful for. >.<. I suppose i’ll go with being thankful for the internet era. There’s pros and cons to the internet, as with everything else, although as great as the pros are on this one, the cons are immense as well.
With internet, information becomes readily available. You can find information on anything you can think of learning, you can also find people with shared interests, expanding your network beyond what you normally possess. Then comes the cons of false/misleading/incorrect information, scams, and the dark side of the internet (literally known as the dark web). Well okay maybe the dark web isn’t necessarily a con, but it does allow for a whole host of illegal activities to occur so… Well. Yeah.
I’m grateful that the internet existed, because i get to read ebooks on my phone, watch videos of people’s life in other countries, and on differing math/science/life concepts via Youtube, and keep in touch with my friends even if we have limited time to meet. The downside is the feeling of loneliness, jealousy, a feeling of insecurity as we surf through the many highlight moments (and some slightly more realistic downs of life) of other people’s life, all the while comparing it to our “mundane” life. We yearn for the connection of having a partner, because couples on social media are so sweet, and we don’t see the quarrels, the endless conversations they have had to have for them to reach that stage. We don’t see the immense amount of effort people have put in for them to post a short instastory on them attending competitions/conferences, the hours put in to reach the stage where they can showcase a pretty pastry/baked goods, or the endless things they have to had experienced to post about revelations, reflections, life. And hence, the issue of rising insecurity.
I could probably find more things to be grateful for, like for food, for water, for shelter, for having a place to stay, being born in Singapore, having an education, etc etc. But i shall attempt to finish this up because i need to shower :P.
One final quote to end things; My current 口头禅:
-shz
Even if i’m a fool, i want to be a grateful one. And one that slowly works to being not-a-fool. It hurts. Failure hurts, rejection hurts, silence hurts. But we can only keep on trying. After all, never try, never know yeah?
Doing a 100 day journaling challenge inspired by my friend YT. So here begins day 1, at 6.20am. And no it’s not cause i woke up early. 😛
This is probably a short and sweet post? Because the general words i live by are… basically what this whole blog is about. Which is to keep moving even when times are tough, even when things don’t go well, and even when you feel like you don’t deserve to live anymore. Because the best thing you can do for yourself is to keep trying, try different ways, try different things, and as you garner more experiences, you start to learn what works for you, and what doesn’t. You also start to learn more about yourself, and as experiences build up, you start to trust yourself more.
And so, just keep moving, even when you’re cemented to the ground. (I mean if you’re stuck literally then you probably can’t do this on your own, but you can get help, seek attention, find someone who can help you. You’re never alone. Even if you think you are.)
I thought… it would be better. If we parted. and so, I did.
For awhile it felt like it might be for the better.
and for awhile, I thought it would be easy to let go.
But perhaps I’ve just been running from myself..
I thought… perhaps we could just be friends…
But it feels harder than usual. Am I asking too much? Am I nagging too much?
It doesn’t feel right anymore.
Perhaps it’s just easier to stay away.
I made the mistake of looking through old photos… And now all that jumps out at me is how alone i feel. I never realised how big a part he occupied until he’s no longer there.
And now that song’s on repeat and i’m gonna end this here.
hyperactivekidshz 