Apologies for the hiatus from the challenge. But here’s Day 5.
To find out where this challenge came about, see this.
Lately I’ve been caught up in a whole storm of emotions. Not too sure why, but I’ve been swinging back and forth from happy to sad and contentment to desperation. Basically the whole range.
I’ve been trying to work at being able to hold conversations with people whom I’m unfamiliar with, although that, I would say is still a huge work in progress. I still feel like I’m a boring person with nothing to contribute or share, and it usually requires getting to know the other party a little better before I can try to move the conversation somewhere. But it doesn’t always work, and sometimes between the back and forth of an online conversation, I feel like it becomes a little meaningless. So while the conversation is ongoing I feel somewhat uncomfortable, feeling shallow, feeling meaningless, but when the conversation stops, I feel lonely. Such contradiction, right?
Then again, what meaning should a conversation hold? It should just be enjoyable… No? I think lately I’ve been a little obsessed with the need for a ‘meaningful’ conversation. Something “not shallow”, something “of value”. Something that is interesting, or makes people happy… I don’t know. I feel like sometimes I live in a world that’s a little bizarre. I live in a world that’s based on people’s opinions. A little weird huh?
Anyway I’ve just been feeling like an awkward turtle so… But I’ve been trying to remind myself that small steps have to be taken (better than standing in the same spot and wallowing right?), one step at a time, one moment at a go.
Like I could probably list a hundred and one instances of when conversations felt so awkward and forced. And it’s not just between strangers, it’s between colleagues, even between friends. It makes me feel so inadequate.
Anyway today I’ve also learnt that I have issues speaking up when I think it may make things more troublesome for people. I always tend to do that, and sometimes it ends up worsening the situation when that happens. Like today when we went for lunch, and the set that we all wanted (Set A) wasn’t available, and only B was available. But B was spicy and somehow the words ‘curry’ in the set name didn’t set off the alarm that it was SPICY. And so I didn’t comment even though I was thinking in my head ‘I don’t really want curry rice but I’ll live with it’. Aaand it turned out to be spicy. Like duh? I ate one bite and instantly regretted it. Tried to just say I’ll go out and buy something else to eat but my colleagues didn’t listen and ordered something else for me. I felt so guilty and upset and all over that. I still feel the sian-ness from the guilt and the trouble caused. And so… I’ll speak up next time cause this is way worse.
Well not that dramatic IMO but the gist is there.
So I’m trying to learn how to notice details about others (oh how much more work ahead of me that is…), how to ask better questions… and generally try to bring up random things to talk about in the hopes of hitting the interest jackpot. I still feel like I’m a better listener than talker… Other people are more interesting than I am at least. But communication is a two way street, right? Gotta learn to provide info too.
Aaaaand here’s an ending quote:
-shz
Life is tiring.
hyperactivekidshz 