So in case you’re wondering why I’m suddenly blogging, its because i got a fancy new mechanical keyboard and i like the way it sounds. And so i’ve decided to indulge in the act of typing so i can hear more of the lovely clicks (as i slowly typo and backspace over and over and over and over while i get used to this keyboard and my RGB lighting keeps flashing. This is awesome).
(And i must say i’m loving the new wordpress editor; allows for nice captions under photos and blocks of texts nicely paragraphed)
So it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged (although as i check my blog again, i realise my last post was in the beginning of May, so it hasn’t been as long as i thought it had been), and i since then, Sg has went into lockdown (or what they called Circuit Breaker) and then out of it (well kinda, phase-wise). During then I think i’ve experienced quite a wide range of emotions: Worry over my job (because well, startup), slight happiness over the ‘breaks’ (cause of the forced implementation of work-from-home if possible, shift/split teams if not). So i’ve been working lesser days, and spending more time at home.
At first glace, it seems like a blessing to be able to stay at home, recharge, and just relax. Especially for my job, which i am totally unable to work from home (well maybe a little, but my job scope dictates my work be done in a lab, in which i can’t bring back the samples and all sooooo… and i’m honestly a little lazy to read stuff, although i have out of necessity, but not as often as you would think). BUT. It’s not.
As the famous saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side. I think these few months being at home more often and seeing my mom more often has made me into some grumpy old lady. I think it’s been AT LEAST 8 years since the last time i spent this much time with my mom, and it’s regrettably getting on my nerves. I know i know, i should treasure this time as much as i can, before i have to go back to work, right? Or morbidly, before i am unable to.
But man its tough. You would think staying at home would be fun, but no, not really. I wake up to questions of ‘whats for lunch?’, ‘what should we do for dinner?’, and errands of going to buy groceries, buy meals, etc etc etc. And being stuck with her for too long drives me nuts because i honestly just want to be left alone. There’s also a budding sense of resentment over having to not just pay for my own meals, but also her meals, which obviously i’m not used to given that i normally settle most of my meals outside. Life before covid meant i bought her meals maybe 3 or 4 days out of 7, not 7 days out of 7. There’s also all the money spent on groceries (wow you wouldn’t believe how expensive grocery runs are x_x), which i’m also not accustomed to spending.
But yeah i know i know, she’s probably spent more on me than i have on her, but this argument can extend on forever because there isn’t a right or wrong. The fact that people around me seem to have it better doesn’t really help with my perception either. (Have it better as in their parents settle their meals and go on grocery runs on their own; i.e. less dependent parents?) But i know, i know, comparison is never a good idea.
So that’s the stressors at home; which is compounded by the fact that i’m unable to ‘escape’ per se. Oh and have i mentioned i had to bring her computer for fixing? Sigh. She asked for a laptop for ‘learning’, but i bet she hasn’t spend more than a week’s worth of time on that laptop before it went crazy and stuck itself in BIOS mode. Then now she suddenly wants to use it again. Okay but that’s just me complaining; which i guess is the main purpose of this blog anyway (for me to vent).
(And well so i can listen to this lovely keyboard sound :D).
(and watch the lovely lights flash across my keyboard).
(I wish i could type faster)
Anyway, so that’s home. Then work. Ohh work. I’ve been so stressed because of work. Nothing is going well. Mistakes after mistakes were made, to the point i feel so stressed i stressed myself into a headache today. Because we have lesser time at work, we also run lesser experiments. Which also means mistakes can’t exactly be afforded, unlike normal times. Problem is, i’m prone to mistakes because i’m new. Whatever we’re doing in lab is sorta new to me, especially cause of the new technology. So i make mistakes, don’t know that i make mistakes, complain about my results to my colleague, then realise i made a mistake because she told me (thank goodness for my colleague). And after we moved past that, there’s new issues now.
I know that’s part and parcel of research / product development life, but this sh** just obliberates my self confidence. I feel like i’ve bitten off more than i could chew with this job change. I went in feeling like i could help, and now i just feel… stuck. Tired. Exhausted. Stressed. I want things to work, i try to clarify things as much as i can, but i’m also afraid of asking too many times, clarifying too much. Now i’m just tired.
Now i’m just… glad that tomorrow is Thursday, and it’s technically ‘hump’ day for me (since i work 7 days now instead of 5); and by ‘hump’ day i don’t mean anything other than it’s the middle of the week. We’re left with 4 days to see if we can get any decent results, and i’m honestly not holding my breath over this.
But as i’ve been watching more of Kitboga’s video the past few weeks, the quote he always repeats at the end of his streams have stuck with me:
And well, there’s nothing to do but to move forward.
Onwards to the weekends!
And to me slowly getting used to the layout of a TKL instead of a full sized keyboard. I’m just really used to using the numpad enter key to enter stuff, but now it’s missing and i keep hitting the arrow key D:
On the bright side, at least my keyboard fits my desk space :P.
-shz
I can only try, and i can only keep trying. I’m getting tired, wondering if i’m even suited for the job i’m doing. But i can only keep trying to be better. I guess.
hyperactivekidshz 