Life feels like it’s passing by in a daze, a little surreal, a little fast, yet also a little slow. Working life feels unstructured (ironic since it’s somewhat routine…), less of the purpose i felt i had when i was in school. In school you had a goal: to score well, study hard, participate in more CCAs/events to beef up your portfolio. In work, what do you do? You decide how much effort you want to put in. You could go all the way, or none at all (consequences are a different story). It’s a little disconcerting for someone like me who likes structure. Life feels pretty meaningless at times. Work sucks, to put it bluntly. Perhaps i’m not at the place where i want to be, and also because everything feels way too chaotic. Perhaps it’s not the kind of job i thought i wanted to do for the rest of my life. I’m not sure, really. Maybe its the chaos that comes with being at a startup, and that i don’t have the flexibility and adaptability i thought i had. I hope i don’t look that way though. I feel that way, unfortunately. I’m not sure what i expected. Maybe it’s just a phase. I don’t know, really. I guess it sucks that i feel that i suck at my work?
Life is… surreal. Outside of work I mean. If I go with the flow, everything feels fine. We’re doing good. We’re still good. But thinking about it is what makes it surreal. I’m applying for a house. Yay. 1 part excitement, because i can’t wait to have my own place, spend life with my partner, more time, more space. And it comes with 1 part anxiousness, because it’s a hell lot of responsibility. Housing loan, renovation, figuring things out, and also, marriage. He asked me a week ago when I thought it would be a good time to get married, and all i had in my head was ‘I have no money for this’, followed by ‘I’m not ready now’. (Anyway i told him in 2 years, because that felt like a good timing, that should give me some time to clear my loans, save more money – ideally, and i guess mentally prepare?). I still feel pretty unprepared for everything. I guess my main concern is still financials. For all the expense recording i do, i still don’t quite know where my money goes. I mean i know, on paper. But trying to figure it out in my head… it doesn’t quite register.
Beyond the money thing, which is still my biggest concern (maybe because i’m currently broke and worried about this trend of being broke despite working for almost 3 years, but i did manage to throw some money in investments and clearing off loans so maybe it (hopefully) isn’t as bad as i’m imagining right now), there’s also the so many worries that comes with getting married and starting a family. I’m not the most amicable person alive, though thankfully he is pretty amicable, but I get mood swings and moody some days. It’s easy to hide when you’re not living together, but it’s harder when you are. There’s also the whole what if i’m a shitty parent? Like how i can’t stand my niece who is like 5 years old now and she’s pretty annoying. I guess i get it why adults don’t like backtalk now. It gets me pretty mad. I like baby niece though haha. Probably cause she can’t talk back. #justsaying.
I guess sometimes i also feel pretty alone. Alone with my thoughts in my head. Not very pretty. My head is a pretty chaotic place, sadly. So many worries. I guess it’s the old ‘one step at a time’ thing. Thinking about it all at once seems so daunting. Everything still feels so messy in my head. Argh. But it’s a little better once everything is typed out i guess. So… Bye.
-shz
hyperactivekidshz 