#Stress

The quote i got on my Momentum add-on in Google Chrome on my work computer.

So in case you’re wondering why I’m suddenly blogging, its because i got a fancy new mechanical keyboard and i like the way it sounds. And so i’ve decided to indulge in the act of typing so i can hear more of the lovely clicks (as i slowly typo and backspace over and over and over and over while i get used to this keyboard and my RGB lighting keeps flashing. This is awesome).

If anyone cares about my current objects of obsession: Ducky One 2 RGB TKL, Logitech G502 Hero.

(And i must say i’m loving the new wordpress editor; allows for nice captions under photos and blocks of texts nicely paragraphed)

So it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged (although as i check my blog again, i realise my last post was in the beginning of May, so it hasn’t been as long as i thought it had been), and i since then, Sg has went into lockdown (or what they called Circuit Breaker) and then out of it (well kinda, phase-wise). During then I think i’ve experienced quite a wide range of emotions: Worry over my job (because well, startup), slight happiness over the ‘breaks’ (cause of the forced implementation of work-from-home if possible, shift/split teams if not). So i’ve been working lesser days, and spending more time at home.

At first glace, it seems like a blessing to be able to stay at home, recharge, and just relax. Especially for my job, which i am totally unable to work from home (well maybe a little, but my job scope dictates my work be done in a lab, in which i can’t bring back the samples and all sooooo… and i’m honestly a little lazy to read stuff, although i have out of necessity, but not as often as you would think). BUT. It’s not.

As the famous saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side. I think these few months being at home more often and seeing my mom more often has made me into some grumpy old lady. I think it’s been AT LEAST 8 years since the last time i spent this much time with my mom, and it’s regrettably getting on my nerves. I know i know, i should treasure this time as much as i can, before i have to go back to work, right? Or morbidly, before i am unable to.

But man its tough. You would think staying at home would be fun, but no, not really. I wake up to questions of ‘whats for lunch?’, ‘what should we do for dinner?’, and errands of going to buy groceries, buy meals, etc etc etc. And being stuck with her for too long drives me nuts because i honestly just want to be left alone. There’s also a budding sense of resentment over having to not just pay for my own meals, but also her meals, which obviously i’m not used to given that i normally settle most of my meals outside. Life before covid meant i bought her meals maybe 3 or 4 days out of 7, not 7 days out of 7. There’s also all the money spent on groceries (wow you wouldn’t believe how expensive grocery runs are x_x), which i’m also not accustomed to spending.

But yeah i know i know, she’s probably spent more on me than i have on her, but this argument can extend on forever because there isn’t a right or wrong. The fact that people around me seem to have it better doesn’t really help with my perception either. (Have it better as in their parents settle their meals and go on grocery runs on their own; i.e. less dependent parents?) But i know, i know, comparison is never a good idea.

So that’s the stressors at home; which is compounded by the fact that i’m unable to ‘escape’ per se. Oh and have i mentioned i had to bring her computer for fixing? Sigh. She asked for a laptop for ‘learning’, but i bet she hasn’t spend more than a week’s worth of time on that laptop before it went crazy and stuck itself in BIOS mode. Then now she suddenly wants to use it again. Okay but that’s just me complaining; which i guess is the main purpose of this blog anyway (for me to vent).

(And well so i can listen to this lovely keyboard sound :D).

(and watch the lovely lights flash across my keyboard).

(I wish i could type faster)

Anyway, so that’s home. Then work. Ohh work. I’ve been so stressed because of work. Nothing is going well. Mistakes after mistakes were made, to the point i feel so stressed i stressed myself into a headache today. Because we have lesser time at work, we also run lesser experiments. Which also means mistakes can’t exactly be afforded, unlike normal times. Problem is, i’m prone to mistakes because i’m new. Whatever we’re doing in lab is sorta new to me, especially cause of the new technology. So i make mistakes, don’t know that i make mistakes, complain about my results to my colleague, then realise i made a mistake because she told me (thank goodness for my colleague). And after we moved past that, there’s new issues now.

I know that’s part and parcel of research / product development life, but this sh** just obliberates my self confidence. I feel like i’ve bitten off more than i could chew with this job change. I went in feeling like i could help, and now i just feel… stuck. Tired. Exhausted. Stressed. I want things to work, i try to clarify things as much as i can, but i’m also afraid of asking too many times, clarifying too much. Now i’m just tired.

Now i’m just… glad that tomorrow is Thursday, and it’s technically ‘hump’ day for me (since i work 7 days now instead of 5); and by ‘hump’ day i don’t mean anything other than it’s the middle of the week. We’re left with 4 days to see if we can get any decent results, and i’m honestly not holding my breath over this.

But as i’ve been watching more of Kitboga’s video the past few weeks, the quote he always repeats at the end of his streams have stuck with me:

And well, there’s nothing to do but to move forward.

Onwards to the weekends!

And to me slowly getting used to the layout of a TKL instead of a full sized keyboard. I’m just really used to using the numpad enter key to enter stuff, but now it’s missing and i keep hitting the arrow key D:

On the bright side, at least my keyboard fits my desk space :P.

-shz

I can only try, and i can only keep trying. I’m getting tired, wondering if i’m even suited for the job i’m doing. But i can only keep trying to be better. I guess.

Day 5 – Communication

Apologies for the hiatus from the challenge. But here’s Day 5.

To find out where this challenge came about, see this.

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Lately I’ve been caught up in a whole storm of emotions. Not too sure why, but I’ve been swinging back and forth from happy to sad and contentment to desperation. Basically the whole range.

I’ve been trying to work at being able to hold conversations with people whom I’m unfamiliar with, although that, I would say is still a huge work in progress. I still feel like I’m a boring person with nothing to contribute or share, and it usually requires getting to know the other party a little better before I can try to move the conversation somewhere. But it doesn’t always work, and sometimes between the back and forth of an online conversation, I feel like it becomes a little meaningless. So while the conversation is ongoing I feel somewhat uncomfortable, feeling shallow, feeling meaningless, but when the conversation stops, I feel lonely. Such contradiction, right?

Then again, what meaning should a conversation hold? It should just be enjoyable… No? I think lately I’ve been a little obsessed with the need for a ‘meaningful’ conversation. Something “not shallow”, something “of value”. Something that is interesting, or makes people happy… I don’t know. I feel like sometimes I live in a world that’s a little bizarre. I live in a world that’s based on people’s opinions. A little weird huh?

Anyway I’ve just been feeling like an awkward turtle so… But I’ve been trying to remind myself that small steps have to be taken (better than standing in the same spot and wallowing right?), one step at a time, one moment at a go.

Like I could probably list a hundred and one instances of when conversations felt so awkward and forced. And it’s not just between strangers, it’s between colleagues, even between friends. It makes me feel so inadequate.

Anyway today I’ve also learnt that I have issues speaking up when I think it may make things more troublesome for people. I always tend to do that, and sometimes it ends up worsening the situation when that happens. Like today when we went for lunch, and the set that we all wanted (Set A) wasn’t available, and only B was available. But B was spicy and somehow the words ‘curry’ in the set name didn’t set off the alarm that it was SPICY. And so I didn’t comment even though I was thinking in my head ‘I don’t really want curry rice but I’ll live with it’. Aaand it turned out to be spicy. Like duh? I ate one bite and instantly regretted it. Tried to just say I’ll go out and buy something else to eat but my colleagues didn’t listen and ordered something else for me. I felt so guilty and upset and all over that. I still feel the sian-ness from the guilt and the trouble caused. And so… I’ll speak up next time cause this is way worse.

Well not that dramatic IMO but the gist is there.

So I’m trying to learn how to notice details about others (oh how much more work ahead of me that is…), how to ask better questions… and generally try to bring up random things to talk about in the hopes of hitting the interest jackpot. I still feel like I’m a better listener than talker… Other people are more interesting than I am at least. But communication is a two way street, right? Gotta learn to provide info too.

Aaaaand here’s an ending quote:

-shz

Life is tiring.

Day 2 – Gratitude

This will auto upload at 12 midnight of 25/03/2019; Writing this early because I don’t think i have time to write tomorrow. PS: LONG LONG LONG LONG post.

To find out where this challenge came about, see this.

gratitude

/ˈɡratɪtjuːd/

noun

1. the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

Sometimes it’s easier to compare yourself to the best of the best. The people you look up to at work, the people who seem to ‘have it all’. Sometimes it’s easier to look at all the flaws you have, thinking about why you’re so inadequate and how much you’re lacking. And sometimes, it’s easier to sink into the never ending cycle of depression, of fear, of anxiety, of inadequacy.

It’s a cycle i see myself fall into more times than i would admit, and more times than i would have wanted. But i’m thankful that i have people (yes YT. I teared up when she told me she sees how much I’ve grown over the years. #such a low crying point but yeah) around me who remind me of how much I’ve grown over the years.

And so I’ve decided to start Day 2 of the 100 day challenge by counting my blessings. I only ever write whenever i’m down, whenever i need an outlet. Maybe it’ll be a good time to start writing about something a bit more positive… occasionally, eh?

Let’s see if i can  get to a count of 10 5 shall we (ten is too tough for me haha)? And I wrote them in the order of which popped up in my head; so i wouldn’t say there’s a order in which they are more important.

#1 Having a relatively close-knit family + siblings.

I’ll define close-knit as having a family who you can rely on upon, who you don’t feel utter dislike or hatred for, and you feel comfortable being in. They’re your invisible pillars of support, the ones you don’t see until you’ve lost ‘everything’, because then you wonder how you’re still upright when it all looks like it has all crumbled into pieces.

Honestly, i would say i probably would have never placed such great importance on this until i was with my ex, as unappreciative as it sounds. You never realise how empty a house is until you’re alone in it, and you never realise how important your family is until you see circumstances where they are non-existent. Maybe it’s just me. I tend to take things for granted, and I acknowledge that. I try to be better each day, at least to my Mom. Be a little more patient, be a little more understanding. I try, but like everything else, there are days where i forget to keep my patience hat on, and as much as i complain it feels like guilt tripping, i’m thankful when my Mom tells me how unreasonable I’ve been. It’s feedback. And feedback is so important.

I try to say thanks for the small things my family does as well. Cooking for me, sending us to places, coming over to spend time together, helping me buy stuff. Some things you say thank you for, when it’s a direct act towards you (like when you ask for help and you receive it, you say thanks), but it’s also important to be thankful for the things you take for granted. Like when people cook for you, how often do you say thank you? When they drive you to work, or to anywhere, do you say thank you? You say thank you to the taxi drivers you pay for, but what about your own family members?

Siblings. I’m grateful i have them, even though they’re a pain in the a** sometimes. I really missed how lively they made the house when they were around. I’m never more grateful than when i wanted to spend time with them, they accommodated me even though they have their own families and things to do. I don’t thank them enough, especially my brothers i think. I still find it a little awkward sometimes, but i think it’s getting better. I hope.

#2 Having awesome friends!

I think the one thing i never forget to be thankful for is that I have friends. Friends who (by some unknown stroke of luck) put up with all my shit. And i have a lot of them. A whole pile that can fill an entire room. Or house. I mean, you can tell right? I mean family, well they’re stuck with me. But friends… They willingly stick to you! I still find it amazing that i have friends sometimes.

I’m eternally grateful that i have friends who i can talk to when i need advice (like my lovely bunch of friends who chatted with me from 9pm to 6am last night). I’m grateful that they put up with me when i was immature, when i threw tantrums and played stupid games to garner attention. I’m grateful that they find the friendship we have important enough that they put in effort to maintain it. I’m grateful that they pull me along to things i don’t normally do, like that pirate ship ride i would never in my life ever sit on, and regretted immensely when the ship started swinging. And i’m grateful that they accept me for me. They’ve probably seen the worst side of me (because i was really quite shitty in sec sch), and i’m glad they stuck around. I hope i could be who they are to me when they need help, and when they need someone to listen to. If they ever need to find someone who will accept them. I think of myself as a pretty open minded person because of my own experiences, so… I hope that helps?

I’m also glad that i have friends from JC and uni who are surprisingly willing to put up with me. I have incredible luck in that regard, now that i think about it. I’ve screwed up friendships before, because of my incredibly childish and stubborn personality. I still regret things, but i don’t have the courage to fix things, and only the wish that i find a way to put it down. Time helps. It really does. And because of that i’m also a bit more cautious when i’m doing things.

But i digress. I’m overall just glad that i have people who are willing to hang out with me, to game, to sing, to eat, to talk. I’m glad that they are willing to put in time to maintain the friendship, even if it’s just once a year. Friendship always takes two hands to clap. And i think it’s slightly easier now with social media since people do post about their lives and you can attempt to keep up if you so choose to. Even just messaging helps, or at least i feel it helps.

#3 My Health

I’m grateful that i’m overall in a pretty decent state of health. I don’t have to watch (too much) on what i eat, i don’t have to worry about chronic illnesses, and i can still exercise, walk, talk to people, jump around in excitement, etc. Health is something we take for granted sometimes. If not for Classpass, i would probably never really exercise. And even with Classpass it’s only like twice a week. #thelazyassofmine. I get days where i feel dizzy, days where i fall sick, but those aren’t things i can’t deal with, and i think health is really a gift you have to treasure and maintain before it’s gone.

#4 My Job

Wait wait, i don’t mean that the job that i am doing right now is my dream job. But i’m generally grateful that in my current job, i get to meet people that are awesome, incredibly nice and patient, and that it’s a job in a field i can see myself being in for awhile. Not necessarily the field of diagnostics, but more of the Science R&D field. Could be diagnostics, could be treatments, could be pathology. I always say the main reason for me liking Science is because it’s rational, it’s based on evidence, and it’s something that is never ending. In a good and bad way. The more you uncover, the more you realise you don’t really know it.

Inevitably, in Science, there’s likely to be results that contradict, and many many variables that may be differently accounted for that leads to a different conclusion altogether on the same issue. There’s also always black sheep who leave behind lasting damage, like Andrew Wakefield and his claims of vaccines causing autism that is unfounded, and the harm that resulted is so unnecessary. Anyway i digress.

Sometimes i get the thought that i’m not good enough to be working in the Science field. There’s so much i don’t know, and so much that contradicts. But that’s also the marvel of the field. It forces you to think, to be better, to seek knowledge. But the imposter syndrome feeling is strong… Gotta be better!

#5 The internet era

My it’s hard to come up with ten things to be grateful for. >.<. I suppose i’ll go with being thankful for the internet era. There’s pros and cons to the internet, as with everything else, although as great as the pros are on this one, the cons are immense as well.

With internet, information becomes readily available. You can find information on anything you can think of learning, you can also find people with shared interests, expanding your network beyond what you normally possess. Then comes the cons of false/misleading/incorrect information, scams, and the dark side of the internet (literally known as the dark web). Well okay maybe the dark web isn’t necessarily a con, but it does allow for a whole host of illegal activities to occur so… Well. Yeah.

I’m grateful that the internet existed, because i get to read ebooks on my phone, watch videos of people’s life in other countries, and on differing math/science/life concepts via Youtube, and keep in touch with my friends even if we have limited time to meet. The downside is the feeling of loneliness, jealousy, a feeling of insecurity as we surf through the many highlight moments (and some slightly more realistic downs of life) of other people’s life, all the while comparing it to our “mundane” life. We yearn for the connection of having a partner, because couples on social media are so sweet, and we don’t see the quarrels, the endless conversations they have had to have for them to reach that stage. We don’t see the immense amount of effort people have put in for them to post a short instastory on them attending competitions/conferences, the hours put in to reach the stage where they can showcase a pretty pastry/baked goods, or the endless things they have to had experienced to post about revelations, reflections, life. And hence, the issue of rising insecurity.

I could probably find more things to be grateful for, like for food, for water, for shelter, for having a place to stay, being born in Singapore, having an education, etc etc. But i shall attempt to finish this up because i need to shower :P.

One final quote to end things; My current 口头禅:

-shz

Even if i’m a fool, i want to be a grateful one. And one that slowly works to being not-a-fool. It hurts. Failure hurts, rejection hurts, silence hurts. But we can only keep on trying. After all, never try, never know yeah?

Aaaand here’s a song to wishing you all the best!

Let’s just screw everything

While i still have the little burst of defiance in me
Let me write this out for the future me
The future me that’s going to wonder if the choice is right
If it was worth anything

Let me just stop the future me right there
And just stop overthinking
Everything I do now, in this current state
Is because I’ve thought it through

Be it the right way to think
Or the wrong way (if there is even one)
Whether it fits into my ultimate future plan
Or not
There’s always going to be a takeaway
A lesson learnt
A new skill acquired
New connections made
If you choose to let it be

Why do you care if things don’t end up long term
When you aren’t exactly looking for that
It’s because you’re still searching
That you don’t have a concrete plan

But let’s face it
How many have a concrete plan
That they stick to 100%
I thought I had one
But now it’s liquefying

But uncertainty is part of life
And so for now
While i still have a little fight
Running on the small amount of adrenaline
I will accept that i’m trying to do something different
In a bid to find answers

Maybe it will end up futile
Maybe i will miss academia
But maybe i will not
And maybe i will find out what i want

In the off-chance that i don’t
It’s okay too
New things will be learnt
Which used to be my goal in life

But now i no longer know what i want in life
And so my decisions reflect that
And perhaps it’s a bad thing
But perhaps it isn’t

There’s only one thing i know for sure
That regardless of whatever i choose to take up
I will do my best
Because that is the only one thing i can give
And perhaps from there
I will learn
To not worry that much
Just do my best
And let the ‘market forces’ speak for itself

I’m desperately wishing that i can find something
That regains my own faith in me
That seems to have left me
Far far far away

I feel so useless
That feeling might never fade
But all i can do
Is try to wade through it

Perhaps one day
I will stop fighting
I hope that day never comes
Or so i say

The battles that matter
Are the ones you fight with yourself
The voice in me
That isn’t so little

Sometimes i wonder
Why it’s so hard to find help
So hard to walk through the hard truths
So hard to make a step forward

Perhaps i’m not making enough of an effort
Perhaps all i have are these ramblings, these words
They take the edge off my feelings
And the need to do something worse

Perhaps i’m not in the right frame of mind
But will i ever be?
People say i’m weird
And i am

But is weird ever a bad thing?
Just as how conformity may not be a good thing
My need to conform is killing me
I want to get rid of it

And so i’ve rambled on long enough
And i don’t think i’m coherent anymore
I’m tired
When will this end?

-shz

I have a logical side. Unfortunately it doesn’t win all the battles. 

I desperately want to be normal. Desperately. Perhaps then i can stop wondering why i am who i am.

Rant & Quotes

I had my last… talking session on Thursday. I don’t know if overall, going for it was a good thing or not. I feel like eventually it just made me feel worse because i kept thinking about how i’m just wasting the counselor’s time and how everytime i go i don’t seem to be able to talk about what i want to talk about.

But what do i want to talk about? Sometimes i don’t even think i want to know. Sometimes it feels like everything i think about is magnified 100X (or more). Much more dramatic and way too exaggerated. I keep asking about ways to stop thinking about emotions, to stop feeling the hurt, the fear of being inadequate, the fear of being judged.

Then in the session, i was asked: does being judged affect anything? does me ‘doing a bad job’ (at work for example) matter? does it affect my work directly? And it brings me back to what people say – when you worry about things you can’t change, or act upon. Is there a point? I remember people telling me in the past, that whatever actions you do will be feedbacked to you somehow. That guessing and predicting likely takes more energy than it’s worth. And yet i still worry.

Still afraid. I’m not sure why. I’m so afraid that everything i have been doing, or have done in the past, are all acts. All performances, and all fake. That one day it’s going to all be exposed, and all i’ll be left with is a sense of loss, and a sense of failure. Failure seems to be something very foreign to me. Or maybe i choose to let it be foreign. I avoid doing things i suck at, and avoid major changes. And even if i know i’m not going to be good at things, even if i logically know that, it still hurts. I don’t even know if i dare to hope to be good at anything anymore. I don’t believe what people say. Or rather, i should rephrase that. I want to believe what people say about me, to me, the good things at least. But i don’t dare to. I hate disappointing. I hate it so much.  Maybe that’s why i’m still stuck here. In this… mental space where every step is horrible. I much prefer stepping back or just staying in this one spot.

I don’t think i am coherent anymore. I have just this bundle of emotions in me and i’m trying to figure out how to express myself. There’s this one thing that i really want. But i also suck at it. What do i do? Do i trudge through it and make it work, or do i accept that it just won’t happen? But even as i list out the second option, my heart rejects it. How does a heart ‘reject’ anything? Well, it feels heavy. Heavy, and unaccepting. And so i suppose i will trudge on, even as one part of me looks upon me with distaste, and mocks me for trying so hard. ‘Look how far others have come. Look how far they’ve grown, and learnt. Look how much they’ve tried. And look at how the choices you’ve made are terrible.’. Maybe i’m making a terrible choice.

But i guess along the way, i’ve picked up ways to be okay with the decisions i’ve made. I don’t think i’ve made a choice where i utterly regretted (well at least not recently).

Okay i’m really not coherent anymore. I feel like i have things i want to say, but i can’t, or won’t. Feelings that i don’t understand, or refuse to, perhaps. But if i could say something to the future me who might (likely not though) read this, it’s just going to be this:

Patience unfortunately isn’t my forte. Or even in my list of characteristics i think. But because i have an incredibly annoying tendency to compare everything and everyone around me to myself, it’s also made my life incredibly… painful? emotionally at least. but it’s okay. I’ll learn, or die trying. Maybe the latter will come first. Ha.

Somehow i’ve been somewhat fascinated with the thought of death. Unsettling, even to me. As if life is just a game. Perhaps it is. If it is i’ve probably played it horribly. Well maybe not horribly. I don’t know. I don’t understand it either. But nothing’s going to happen. I’m much to cowardly to take the first step. As usual. Anyway. I’ve made no sense in this entire piece of writing but i’m just going to leave it like this. This is as jumbled as my thoughts are in refusing to process feelings.

And perhaps i should remember this more. That behind every happy story and smiley face, there are struggles and there are pain. Not everything you see is what you get. And what’s right for others may not be right for you. 

“We must learn to appreciate ourselves enough on our own so much that when others fail to do so it will make no difference in our being.”

— Morgan Rae Brown

 

-shz

What am i doing? 

Emotions

I’m running out of words to describe the negative emotions that courses through me. I’ve written, and have been writing about the same emotions time and again. But i still don’t know how to deal with them. I still repress them as much as i can, except repressing isn’t the same as processing and it doesn’t teach you how to not feel that way again. I guess sometimes its a matter of perspective. And i’m trying to dissect it.

The emotions i feel comes in the form of hurt, disappointment, fear, jealousy. Internally directed emotions that just cripples my will to live and move on with things. Stimuli comes from a whole range of things, and starts when i start to compare myself to others. To people whom are better than me but… shouldn’t be? or to put it in another way, that i should know what they know, and know what to do more than them because… i’m older? Though that sounds stupid. Probably is stupid.

Nevermind. Sometimes i just wish i don’t have to continue this anymore… Officially ran out of steam and ****s to give to other people. Why do i give a damn. Why?

Is it? Or maybe it’s all a lie.

Survive the emotional onslaught of fear and self-loathing. Redirect the fear, the hurt. It’s a vicious cycle. 

F all social constructs and norms… I need someone, something, some method to remove my thoughts and replace it with something else.

this makes no sense. and i can’t seem to make sense of things. i want to sleep and i don’t want to do work but i have to do work and i have to be in the presence of people because its the normal thing to do and i don’t want yet i want to because i don’t want to seem anti-social although i probably already seem anti-social. sigh. okay nevermind lets just do work and stop this stupid spiralling thought that might just drive me insane.

-shz

please someone. just. tell me it’s okay to make seemingly stupid decisions for seemingly stupid reasons. maybe its time i just do something for myself because anyway i am going to end up doing the same thing over and over… until i give up.

Stuck

Stuck. Stuck between layers of exhaustion and stress, fear of incompetency and fear of not being able to finish.

Stuck between trying to move forward with a positive mindset, and being weighed down by negativities, fear of appearing foolish, fear of not being worthy.

Stuck in the lessons and pains of the past. Not being able to look past things that have happened; that keeps repeating itself.

Except the wins are never noticed, and the lessons are always stuck.

Self-diagnosis is bad; probably inaccurate; but you can’t help doing it. What happens if you find something that you relate rather strongly to; as you start to realise past destructive behaviors; what do you make of it? What do you make of the rare ‘destructive’ behaviors that are starting to become occasional? Occasional of your own choice; a need to throw out feelings that you have nowhere else to put. Journaling helps; but i’m wondering if it’s harming. Are my current thoughts and feelings what they are now because they emerged due to an event; or because i tried to seek help? Sometimes i feel like i don’t need help. Many others do. Mine is a minor case; or so i believe. I’m just stuck; lazy; refusing to change. Those are things of my own accord. But other days i feel like i’m drowning. Drowning in my thoughts; thoughts that i let consume me. I no longer have the strength to fight them when i’m alone. So i stay out. Out where people can give me the strength to deal with them. Or so that is what i hypothesize. Not too sure if it’s the final year drain where i lack the motivation to do things; or just drained in general.

keep on moving; keep on trying. Yes? i wanna say keep trying; just keep trying. But when everything bothers you, trying becomes harder. How do i deflect, guard, protect myself? How do i shut myself up? Why do i open cans of worms that should have been left untouched? Unopened. Left buried in the corner, never to be touched. Why do i want to deal with them? Why?

-shz

 

Quotes (Tumblr & others)

Its the one thing i hope is true.

Do i? Maybe. Sometimes death feels more like a relief than a dead end. But i still fear it. The end. But if i think about it logically, there’s technically nothing to fear. I get to let go of the worries of the future, the inadequacy of the present, the regrets of the past. But i will not actively take part in my own death, at least not now. Maybe there’s still something i can hold on to, maybe. As bleak as everything seems to my twisted mind, and as anxious as i get just thinking about everything, i’m still afraid. I’m just a passive passerby, waiting for a chance to get off this road. 

First admit that you are unhappy. Then admit why. Then understand you need to let go. Allow yourself a moment. Breathe in the moment deeply. Then the healing will begin.

—	Nikita Gill, How to Start Healing (via thelovejournals)

The truth hurts. And i’m tired of it. Yet i will accept nothing but the truth. The alternative is far worse.

It’s okay to be sensitive to something, just don’t let the feeling own you.

—	Ava Catori, The Big, Not-So-Small, Curvy Girls (via wnq-anonymous)

 

Staying quiet doesn’t mean I’ve nothing to say. It means I don’t think you’re ready to hear my thoughts.

—	Unknown (via wnq-anonymous)

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.

—	Unknown (via wnq-anonymous)

Learning to let go. Still not very good at it, but i’m trying.

Sometimes you don’t get closure. You just move on.

—	Unknown (via wnq-anonymous)

Many times.

Stop taking pride in your ability to destroy yourself.

—	Michelle K., What Keeps Me Up At Night (via wnq-anonymous)

You don’t know how sad and tired I really am.

—	(via suicxz)

Then again, everyone is. Right? 

 

-shz

 

Fear

I really hope so.

—

I’m afraid. of many things. But i don’t know how to get rid of the fear.

Afraid of losing out.

Afraid of failing.

Afraid of being hated.

Afraid of being lied to.

Afraid of many many things.

Things that i looked forward to, all seem meaningless as i appear to get a chance at it.

Too afraid that what i wanted, is not up to my expectations. Afraid of the crash, the fall, the disappointment. It makes my heart sink.

The sinking is a negative feedback, making me even more afraid to think about it. So i push it aside, pretending it doesn’t exist. Refusing to confront it, hoping it will all go away.

Too used to doing that. How do i change? I try but it never works out.

Always afraid. The heart keeps sinking, keeps feeling empty, keeps bringing my feelings down with it.

How?

What do i do?

 

-shz

 

Stress

Lately i’ve been thinking to myself… whether i should see a counselor or not. It’s just a thought.. But i wonder if it’d be helpful. I wonder if i even need it in the first place. But i feel quite stressed lately; seemingly more so than usual. Perhaps its because everything is ‘falling apart’, or that i’m really just comparing myself too much to others. I feel very conflicted; i want, and i don’t. I don’t know what to do. Maybe it’s because i’m worried about my future too. Maybe i’m still hung up over everything that has happened.

Sometimes i look back at my choice and i wonder if i made the right ones. I wonder if i’m doing things just because they look good. I’m trying not to be superficial; but positive feedback loops work really well, and so my brain has been wired towards that.

I feel quite lost and alone. Tired too. Unsure of what i’m doing, and what i’m doing things for. Too afraid of failures, too afraid of judgement. Too afraid of being inferior, and being less than what is expected. I feel like i’ve felt this for a long time… I wonder how long i can stand this. Maybe it’s just this period of time. But i’m just… conflicted. Forever conflicted. How do people live with themselves? How do i let go? I thought i let go but sometimes i feel like i haven’t. It’s just pushed to the side but i’m still carrying it. I try to be nonchalant but it’s not my style. I’m being overdramatic or something i guess?

How do people get motivated to do work?

But sometimes my brain agrees that i’m an idiot.

Perhaps. I just need a breather. 

 

-shz

tired. afraid.